Oh Bugger....

Bah! Stress! So The Goob has been sick on and off for about two weeks. I really have to stop praising her AWESOME immune system. Two trips to the ER/urgent care in the past two weeks, and I am damn sick of the place. I have also been nursing a sinus infection (it's a chronic condition for me) for about a week now. I actually almost prefer to work with a sinus infection. Then I don't have to smell all the poo at work. But my ears also plug up so I can't hear call lights and alarms. But, I can't complain... at least I have a job. For now, anyway. They are all either dying or moving to another facility. It's scary! We're at a skeleton crew at night (four aides) as it is, but they LOVE cutting costs when it comes to us and the nurses, so who knows. We're already short-staffed so I don't think it'll really affect us as of yet, but I will be keeping my eyes peeled. I really need to go back to school....

The Goob is doing great in Head Start! Biting every now and then, but doing well. Her appointment for behavioral problems is on Friday, and it can't come soon enough! She will be screened for autism, aspergers, ADHD, sensory problems, and general behavioral problems. I keep hemming and hawing about whether or not I think there's a problem. I lean more towards yes she does, but then I get told by my parents (who, despite their 32+ years of experience REALLY don't know too much about being good parents) about how stupid I am and that she is perfectly normal and it's all my fault because I wasn't married first so I'm putting her through a tragic childhood and that is the only reason she ever has any problems. Because apparently I'm the first single mother on the planet. Like I did this on purpose. Assholes. Catholics don't have SHIT on my parents when it comes to guilt trips. Though, my dad was raised Catholic, and he makes everything my fault. Nothing is ever his. And my mom is a woman, and guilt-tripping is in our DNA. Hell, Goob already tells me "You make me sad, Mama" when she gets in trouble! I can't escape it!

So I go to court (FINALLY) on Thursday morning. It is the state of Wisconsin and myself vs. the DBD (dead beat dad... Goob's dad) for child support. I am sick of nay-sayers telling me how nothing is gonna happen *cough* Darth Vader *cough*. You don't know my situation or the hell I've been going through the last 3 years to squeeze out the tiniest of payments out of him. He's screwed no matter what, so I'm not worried. All this court date is going to do is set up another court date and blah blah blah, idiotic rhetoric. He's in trouble regardless of how things go, he is in contempt. I'm GIDDY with excitement! The only thing I hate is this: I get paid from him from his job for the summer months when he's out of school (June, July, August). BUT for the other nine months of the year, I am paid through his GI Bill that is paying for his college. Which is from the government. Which is from the taxpayers. He doesn't EARN his child support, he refuses to get a job while going to school full time like EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON. Well, the ones who aren't rich anyway. So not only does he get a free ride to school, he gets a free ride with child support. He also gets student loans just to live off of on top of the GI Bill. Ridiculous? Um, yeah. Also pathetic. He can't even work to support his child. Do I get a break if I go back to school full-time? No! I will still have to work full-time and take care of The Goob! Lovah doesn't even want me to go back to school ever cuz he says it won't be possible. It would be incredibly hard. I'd love to, but I don't really think I'd get any support or help for it. I don't think it's fair. I didn't make this child alone. He gets to party, have fun, go to school, not work, do whatever the fuck he wants. I'd like to just be able to go to school, but we are poor and I will have to work full-time until the day I drop over dead. I will never get maternity leave (paid, anyway), I will never be a SAHM, nothing. I had an ovary removed last year, I had to take care of The Goob as a 2-year-old in a second story apartment. I did laundry, cleaned, played with her, and got nowhere near enough rest. I get 1 week off for abdominal surgery, to go back to work and NOT be physically ready to go back to work. Lovah and I are talking about when we start trying for a child after we get married. We are going to have to save a TON of money in order for me to get a month off, because I will only have 1 maybe 2 weeks of paid vacation/sick time, and there will be bills to pay and things to buy for longer than that. And if the birth is anything like Goob's... I will need at LEAST a month off. Ach, I get stressed even thinking about it.

On the plus side, I think I found a workout for the wedding!! I need to lose a good 15-20 pounds (hopefully even more!) and only 8-9 months to lose it! Too bad I love eating and hate throwing up, bah.

A non-angry post (mostly)

So, to update my life... I have become engaged to my lovah. This means my family of 2 will be a family of 4 starting June 16, 2012. I couldn't be more thrilled! A lot of the planning is done already, which is a huge weight off my shoulders! DBD will be paying me the $1,200 he owes in back child support soon (HOPEFULLY!!), so I can pay off some things for the wedding, which will also help! Then we just pick at things until taxes, then pay off everything but catering, which isn't due until a month after the wedding. The only thing that makes me kinda sad is that there will be no best man/maid of honor. And it sucks explaining to people that the reason is because I don't have anyone close enough to me to be it. My sister will be a bridesmaid.... but she's lucky to be that. She's lucky I talk to her... hell, she's lucky I didn't get her ass arrested and thrown in prison 6 years ago like I should have. BUT, I am the eternal doormat and I will let anyone do anything to me and put a smile on my face, then blame myself. But, frankly, she is the most evil sadistic person on Earth, and underneath all the gooey family stuff... I hate her. Not dislike or anything, I HATE her. She ruined my life. She did things to me that make me hate her more than DBD who left me 4 months pregnant and won't pay child support until he's faced with jail, I hate her more than the abusive ex, I hate her more than my rapist for fuck's sake. Why is she in my wedding? Why do I talk to her? Why did I not ever lock her in the garage with the car running? Well, we didn't have a garage. And I am a firm believer in karma and that family is important. Hell, I love my dad to death.... even though he beat the shit out of me growing up, all the way up until he put that loaded .44 in my face and threatened to kill the both of us because I went for the bottle of Tylenol, intent on taking the whole damn thing. But I am Daddy's Girl and I love him and he made me into the tough cookie I am today!

In other news, I have wonderful news with my endo! My IUD migrated to the lower part of my uterus, making my birth control completely non-existent. NOT PREGGO, just to get that out of the way. But, since this happened, I have a regular non-heavy period, my face (mostly) cleared up, I lost 5 pounds, and the pain is almost gone. I get cramps again, but they are manageable. I think for the past 3+ years, birth control has been my problem. I was put back on Depo like 2 weeks after Izzy was born. Other than when I was pregnant, I have been on birth control non-stop for the past 7-8 years. I am beginning to think being preggo "fixed" my endo, or at least did something for it, and the birth control has been fucking it up. So, I am going to get my IUD completely removed and go without and just be careful until after the wedding. Get an ovulation tester thingy and use it for the opposite of what it's intended for haha. I've been having my period for over 13 years, no clue when I ovulate, no clue when I'm "supposed" to get my period, no clue how long my cycle is, nothing. It's quite frustrating!

So The Goob started Head Start a couple weeks ago! I can't believe it, I thought she was a baby still! Week 2 and she already got a note sent home for biting, though :( I am keeping the note and bringing it to her behavioral appointment on the 30th. The teacher said she bit 2 students in one day. Neither time was out of anger or anything, it was a case of someone being in Goob's space. She doesn't handle others in her space at all, and she will let you know in no uncertain terms, when you've crossed into her space. I am so excited that her appointment is coming up so soon finally! After speaking with several mothers with children who have autism, the general consensus is that she definitely needs to be screened because she acts almost exactly like their children. This is a nice, refreshing reaction to some that I have been getting. Now, I am not saying she has it by any means. All I want is an answer. I would like to know why she hurts herself, why she kicks a hole in the wall and doesn't even feel it, why she needs to be under everything, why she throws violent tempers, why she's so violent with everyone, things like that. I don't think I'm doing a terrible job raising her, I think I'm a fairly decent parent. She is 3 now, and I still have to plan things around her, I can't bring her anywhere. I can't even bring her to Walmart anymore because she'll throw a fit and attack my lovah's daughter. I feel like a total failure of a mother because I can't control her.

One thing that The Goob is thriving in is gymnastics. She... is... AMAZING! She actually listens pretty well (the same as the other 3 kids), but she is a complete natural. She gets it the first time (mostly), and barely needs help from her teacher. We are actually headed there in a half an hour! It's really going to give her a great outlet for her sensory stuff, in my opinion. She's doing 100% better than she was in dance class, and she loves going. I will keep her in gymnastics as long as I possibly can, as long as she is having fun and enjoys it!