Sorry Mr. Ed!

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but I came apon this on the NAA site, and  thought it was VERY interesting. I am going to break it down for all.

The major characteristics include slowness in understanding messages; problems of the sensory system (touch, taste, and smell), hearing and language disorders, inappropriate social responses (screaming, unprovoked tantrums, laughing, crying, and resisting touch, cuddling, and eye contact); sleep disturbances, and in severe forms the child may injure themselves, constantly move various body parts, show an apparent insensitivity to pain and/or constantly isolate themselves from their parents and all others.

Problems of the sensory system:  We already know Goob has this. She is constantly hurting herself on purpose, doing dangerous things, and has a SERIOUS texture issue with food. 

Hearing and Language Disorders: Not so sure if she has any disorder (HENCE her going to the speech therapist) but she has had problems with speech since day one. It has been impossible to test her hearing, as she doesn't understand the test for it. Or her eye test. Not sure why they even did it. She just said "Blue" when they asked her to name the pictures. Which, I suppose could tie in with the first thing they mentioned on the list there.

Inappropriate Social Responses: OMFG YES! If Lovah sits within a foot of me on the couch, she reacts as though you just killed a kitten in front of her. The doctor said the severe tantrums are supposed to be going away, they get worse and worse. No one can do ANYTHING for her except me 90% of the time. If I sit on the wrong spot on the couch, she throws a fit. If I give her the wrong cup, she throws a fit. If I give her the wrong thing to eat/drink, she throws a fit. If she wears the wrong thing, she throws a fit. If you look at her while she's dancing/singing, she throws a fit. I'm not talking about a little fit. I'm talking about she's hoarse afterwards, I worry about her safety, and my eardrums nearly bleed. She's over 3 years old now. This shit needs to stop. Resisting touch? FUCK yes! It's only lately that she'll cuddle me. BUT it is on HER terms. And only certain types of cuddling and not for long. If I nap with her, I cannot touch her. She'll hug and kiss me (to the point of making my nose bleed/splitting my lip -sensory issue-) but that's it. It's brief.

Sleep Disturbances: YES YES YES!!! I can't believe that it's been a while, but for the most part, she wakes up at night. She had night terrors as a baby. Nightmares with occasional night terrors as a toddler. The nightmares/wakeful periods at night have slowed lately, but it usually comes in spurts. She'll be good for a while then it'll get bad again. No telling when or why. It's not from moving here either. When Goob and I moved in, she slept GREAT for about a month, then didn't for about a month, now she's on a good streak again. She's also been getting super tired out since it's summer, so that helps.

Injure themselves: Which is the #1 main reason I ever brought her to the doctor or ever became concerned in the first place. When she was younger, she'd rip out her hair. Not in a fit, not in anger or frustration. I'd go to get her out of the car and she'd have a handful of hair on her lap. I caught her doing it once, it was scary. She just sat there, grabbing handfuls of hair out of her head. Giggling, even. Then she'd bang her head. Not normal head-banging (FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME I KNOW THAT IT CAN BE NORMAL). She wasn't angry or upset at all. She'd bang... no, SLAM, her head against the wall or floor or crib or whatever hard surface was near and, again, giggle. She'd have bruises/bumps. Both of those behaviors went away and were replaced by biting herself (she's broken her own skin a few times), hitting herself (HARD), pinching herself, picking her skin to bleeding (without a scab their first, though she's a notorious scab-picker which I deem to be normal), and then finally her running across the room and running into furniture on purpose. To the point of bruises on her abdomen. She has one right now by her hips. Just literally running across a room at top speed to ON PURPOSELY run into a coffee table/chair/couch/anything and fall down, laughing. This goes hand-in hand with my final worry:

Insensitivity to Pain: This was my closely followed #2 worry at the start of it all. She feels pain. She falls, she cries. She knows pain. I don't think that she feels it the same way the rest of us do. Sharp pain (pinching fingers and toes, scraped skin, cuts, etc.) she feels pretty normally, as far as I can see. Blunt pain, not so much. She's gotten bumps/bruises and I have no clue where ANY of them are from because she doesn't let anyone know when she runs into things. This is where my worry of Child Protective Services comes in. As I said, she has numerous bruises right now, including one across her lower abdomen by her hip bone. I wasn't told anything by her daycare, and I never noticed her running into anything. I don't know where it's from. If someone sees it and decides to call CPS.... how is that going to look for me? "I dunno officer, it's been there awhile". Yep, makes me sound like a real great mom. On the other hand "My child has developmental problems and she has an insensitivity to pain, we are working with OT to help her better express her need for physical stimulation without hurting herself" sounds a LOT better! And it's true! I want her to be able to get the sensory stimulation she needs without her risking her saftey for it.

So, I feel I have made my case. I don't need to explain myself any further, I don't think. I will not argue my case to anyone else. If you don't support me then I obviously need to re-evaluate who I allow into my life. On the other hand, if you want to be supportive, I would GREATLY appreciate it! Because no one in my family is! And, so far, none of my friends seem to be either. NOTE: "seem to be" isn't an accusation of not caring. It is me stating that I have received one, 1, uno, un, ONE supportive message from a girl who really isn't all that close to me, except of late. I am not saying my daughter IS autistic, again. I'm not saying I want her to be. I just want everyone to know that this isn't some shot in the dark thing. It's not like I'm going in blind. If I didn't think there was even a slight chance of her having autism, I would have told the doctor so. But we talked at length and I trust her judgement. From the points I have made, you can see that I have every reason for at least SOME concern, and maybe it enlightened some people to some things they didn't know about my daughter. I'm pretty private about it because I am, to be honest, embarassed of her. I don't bring her to anyone's house because she is just wild (as you can see from above). It has cost my some close friendships, being so withdrawn. I refuse to hire a babysitter for fear of someone telling me I'm an awful parent because my child is an uncontrollable brat (term courtesy of my own GRANDMOTHER). I don't bring her to playdates because she doesn't play well with other children. I look forward to Wednesday because she's ALWAYS good on Wednesday because she's the only child. We can't separate the girls because Izzy wants to play with Lexi, she loves her, she's her best friend. She doesn't know HOW. And before I hear this one more fucking time:

MY DAUGHTER IS FUCKING "SOCIALIZED"!!!!!!! I hate that term, it refers to dogs. She's gone to daycare since she was 14 months old at a minimum of 3 days a week. She has 3 older cousins at her dads she plays with every other weekend, we used to do playdates at least once a week from the time she was A WEEK FUCKING OLD!!! For an only child, I feel that is QUITE socialized, more so than a lot of other only children, so if I hear I need to have her socialize with children one more fucking time I'm going to snap. Seriously, if I were to have her around other kids any fucking more I'D HAVE TO FUCKING TIE HER TO ANOTHER KID!!! She's in daycare 5:30 am to 3:30 pm Monday through Friday, then she has Lexi to play with until 7:30 pm Mon, Tue, and Thur every week and then every other weekend Fri-Sun, plus the aforementioned weekends she's with her dad Fri-Sun with her 3 other cousins. So, other than sleep.... that is every Wednesday for about 4.5 hours. Yeah, she's not around other kids enough AT FUCKING ALL. If anything I need to start doing things with JUST her! FUCK! Okay I am done I am done I promise.

Some people need their faces punched

So Darth Vader pissed me off to the point that I don't think I can deal with her anymore. She always makes comments about my daughter like "I got empty nest syndrome in my 40's and wanted another baby. Then I see you and I am so glad I didn't!" Um, fuck you bitch. I don't complain about my daughter, fuck... I don't even TALK about my daughter to her! She overheard me telling a girl at work about how my daughter is going to be screened for autism (that's a whole other story with a lot more pissed off emotions there) and a sensory disorder. So she says "My friend has a son with autism, and he's like your daughter. I just can't stand him, he's a wild brat that doesn't listen." I wanted to bounce her face off the table until it was the consistency of applesauce. When she first overheard her first reaction was "What's wrong with your daughter?" Fucking NOTHING. Not a thing is "wrong" with my child, or any child, for that matter.

Last night took the cake. So a resident was setting his alarm off every 5 minutes for at LEAST 45 minutes. I answered it every time while she sat on her ass and did her fucking crosswords and coughed without covering her mouth and chewing on her pen like there was the nectar of the fucking GODS on the cap. I was at the end of my rope, and when it went off again, I said "Can you please get that, I am at the end of my rope with that guy." This is what we are supposed to do at work if we are overwhelmed or "burned out", ask someone else to help you out before you do/say something you regret. Anyway, she goes and deals with that, and on her way to sitting her ass back down she says "Jeeze, how do you deal with your kids?" Fuck. You. How? I have someone WHO FUCKING HELPS ME you dumb bitch! I tell her they aren't setting alarms off every 5 minutes and she replies "Oh no? They just fight all the time" WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK YOU FUCKING BITCH. Never once have I ever uttered to a single person that they fight all the time. I say they bicker every now and then, but get over it quickly and generally are great together. They call each other "best friend" for fuck's sake. Snippily, biting my tongue, I tell her so (with 100% less vulgarity). That shut her up.

To go into more detail about the screening thing. At the advice of a friend, I brought my daughter to the doctor over a year ago because of suspected sensory problems. The doctor agreed and sent a referral into Marshfield for my daughter to be seen by a specialist. I was never able to bring her due to my work schedule and the fact that not only am I poor, but I am a single mom. Not a 50% custody, kid is gone every other (or every) weekend and holiday single mom. I have 100% custody and placement of my child, I am SOLELY responsible for her. I don't have anyone to help me out with this. So, lately she is struggling again. Biting herself repeatedly (not just when she's frustrated or angry) and has broken skin. While at the doctor's office, she also suggested she be screened for autism due to behaviors she witnessed and after asking me certain questions. This is met with mixed (mainly negative) results. I did not go into the doctor and ask to have this done, this was a professional opinion. It runs in my family, I have a cousin with 2 sons who both have a form of autism. They are 2 very friendly outgoing boys. Never afraid to approach anyone and start up a conversation. The school I went to thought I was autistic as a child but my parents refused to get me tested for that. Other things I learned I had that my parents refused to treat during my school career: ADHD, Depression, near-sightedness (yep... they refused to buy me glasses until I got my license and legally can't drive without them). Hell, they almost refused to get me my prescription pain medications the day after I got my gall bladder removed and I'd gone over 10 hours since my last dose! Anyway, back on track. Nobody knows my child better than me. Other parents should understand that. And those without kids.... I hope you NEVER find that your child could maybe have something different about your child and have everyone treat you like you're a bad parent and don't know your own FUCKING child. Between her social problems (yes, she does have some. I would know. I've only been raising her ALONE for over 3 years.), the constant movements she does, her complete LACK of self-preservation, and many other things point towards this possibility. I don't hope she has it, I don't hope she doesn't have it. She will deal with whatever and we will move on with life one day at a time. Is it so fucking WRONG to want to know what is going on with your child? To make sure that she has every opportunity in the world to be the absolute best person she can be? To be able to deal with her issues the best way for both her and myself? Obviously no matter what she will eventually lead a life as an adult on her own, have a family, all that. But I want her to grow into the best person she can be. My parents ignored all the signs from me. They knew about me OD'ing on pain killers. They knew I was cutting myself. They knew I'd burn myself, bruise myself, do anything possible to physically harm myself. I was so depressed I wouldn't leave my room. I asked my dad to kill me numerous times (minus the one time he actually tried). What did they do? "Stop feeling sorry for yourself". If you don't understand anything, understand this: I WILL NOT BE MY FUCKING PARENTS. If I were to end up like that, I would instantly give her up for adoption because a child shouldn't be raised like that. My daughter is showing signs of things just not being alright with her. She has difficulty in some areas, she learns VERY differently. I'd like to be able to click with her to have her learn as much as possible, be as smart as possible, be the amazing person I know she is. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad parent, a bad person, or whatever else you think. People need to maybe start a conversation and not just assume things.


Well that's my rant. I needed that! Let me just say that not one bit of this is aimed at any specific person (minus where names are actually mentioned). I have the right to be angry, I have the right to vent, I'm NOT directing this at anyone. ANYONE. This is the only place I am able to vent my frustrations and get it out there. Allow me that.

Crazy Dreams!

So I have had some odd dreams lately. The other morning I had a dream that I was with my friends. They all went into a club/bar to have fun but told me I had to stay in the car. Then I noticed that my friend's husband got a nice, new car. It was awesome. But it was another Dodge Stratus. Which made me wake up giggling.

This morning I had a dream I was pregnant. Probably due to pretty much every person I know being pregnant, and the fact that I ate more than twice yesterday so I felt incredibly fat when I went to bed. It was weird cuz I could SEE my belly getting bigger. Very odd. And disturbing. I wish I had ice chips at home, too, cuz that's what I eat at work all night to stop me from going down and eating like 50 PB&J sandwiches haha. Plus it keeps me hydrated cuz I sweat my ass off all night rolling around old people. They are NOT easy! Most weigh around 200 pounds, it's dead weight that at the MOST will "help" by pushing against the wall when you try to roll them towards it.

On a separate note, I feel like I am at the end of my rope with the children. If this is what twins are about.... I am glad that my chances of having them are almost non-existant! Of course, the chances of me having ANY children gets slimmer by the day.... but no more will be better than two more at once!! Unless boys are easier, I dunno. Maybe they don't whine as much. They for sure won't fight over dolls. I've also decided no future children will have ANY blankies or stuffed animals that they carry around. In the bed only or I will light it on fire in front of them. I will make them throw the match! I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen to all of their toys. Just like it's going to happen with their toys. I am sooo tempted to gather them all up, put them in a HUGE pile, throw on some gasoline, and make them watch as all of their toys melt/burn into one big plastic pile of sadness. Then they won't have ANY toys to fight over! All they will have to play with is each other and their imaginations! Which I'm sure Goob would prefer, as she prefers to just play by herself anyway. I can't wait for the weekend, I finally have a night OFF for the weekend and the girls will be gone! Plus it's the... wait for it.... BARRON COUNTY FAIR!!!!! I am going to eat everything. I am going to put the vendor's kids through Ivy League college! I am going to have to dabble in bulemia for a weekend! Okay not so much the last one, I hate throwing up. But I probably shouldn't eat until then. Which I am really trying to do. Not only can we not afford the food (the girls are going to eat us into the poorhouse haha), I can't afford to keep getting fatter and fatter. I'd work out more if I didn't have such a physically exhausting job!

So I haven't received anything in the mail from the doctor yet. They usually send appointment reminders. If they got rid of my OB/GYN appointment then I am going to have to wait until damn near CHRISTMAS to get in and then I might just take my uterus out myself. I got my period 3 times in June. THREE!!! And the last one was super bad. I actually almost passed out at Lovah's family function one weekend. I've been waking up feeling weird, getting light-headed a lot. I know I know I should eat more if I'm borderline hemmoraging. BUT I don't bleed fat, so my vitamins and tons of water will have to do. I'd gladly handle passing out every day if it meant I didn't look like a beached whale. What I CAN'T handle is the pain, which is getting worse. I'm not losing another ovary. I can't lose both, as I would like another child (or two. Boys only). Plus this is my first year with no surgery or pregnancy/birth since 2004 so I'd like to keep it that way! Eight holes in my abdomen is more than enough! Lucas jokes he's going to play connect-the-dots sometime when I'm sleeping. I hope not! I figure it'd look like a star, if you were to connect them all to my mutilated belly button.

Ahhhh problems problems. On the plus side: I only have one more Friday night then my weekends are finally mine!!! Well, every other anyway. Which is more than I've been getting! So hooray!

Monday of 100 Facts

1. Last beverage .::. Raspberry lemonade
2. Last phone call .::. My mom called earlier to discuss the ways to help prevent me from losing childcare assistance due to a bill of $1490 at my last daycare because the state fucked up AGAIN
3. Last instant message .::. It has been so many days I have no idea
4. Last song you listened to .::. "I've Got a Dream" from Tangled
5. Last time you cried .::. Umm... quite some time ago. On one of my mental breakdown days
6. Last text message .::. Lovah texted me today with bad news. Nothing but bad news today!

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
7. Dated someone twice .::. Sadly, I have been THAT stupid
8. Been cheated on .::. By just about every guy I have ever dated
9. Kissed someone & regretted it .::. I don't think so. It's just a kiss.
10. Lost someone special .::. Never really had anyone special. So no. I had "friends" off an on throughout life, but no one who ever really cared.
11. Been depressed .::. Every day of my life :)

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. green
13. yellow
14. pink

THIS MONTH HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend .::. I've made new acquaintances that I get along with.
16. Fallen out of love .::. Nope, still in :)
17. Laughed until you cried .::. Oh yes, watching Tosh.0
18. Met someone who changed your life .::. Yep, on May 5, 2008, at 7:22 pm. My life didn't even start until that moment. It wasn't worth anything and had no purpose until The Goob came out and met her mommy :)
19. Found out who your true friends were .::. No, found out who they WEREN'T. Which is everyone whom I thought was.
20. Found out someone was talking about you .::. Constantly, everyone loves to hate me, sure, I'm an easy target :P


21. Have you kissed anyone on your friend's list .::. Mhmm a few
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life .::. All except maybe 5
23. How many kids do you want to have .::. I'd like to have 1 or 2 more before the hysterectomy
24. Do you have any pets .::. Sookie the Basset Hound :)
25. Do you want to change your name .::. I always have hahaha. I hate my name!
26. What did you get for your last birthday .::. Nothing. From anyone. As usual :P
27. What time did you wake up today .::. 2:30 pm, Lovah seems to think it's acceptable to wake me up at this time. And then wonders why I am crabby.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night .::. Surfing the internet, playing Sims 3
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for .::. California next March!
30. Last time you saw your father .::. Friday I believe, when he dropped off the Lumina.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life .::. Nothing! I am who I am because of it all. Though more money would be nice. I don't need to be rich but not living hand to mouth would be nice.
32. What are you listening to right now .::. "Tangled"
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom .::. My neighbor Tom Temple :)
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now .::. Children not listening.
35. Most visited webpage .::. facebook or failbook
36. What’s your real name .::. Maria Jean Gruber
37. Nicknames .::. Goober, Junebug, Junior, Iea, Mama Bear
38. Status .::. in a loving relationship :)
39. Zodiac sign .::. Aquarius
40. Male or female .::. female
41. Elementary .::. Woodland Elementary School
42. Middle School .::. Riverview Middle School
43. Highschool .::.Barron Area High School
44. University .::. I went to WITC - Rice Lake to get my CNA license
45. Hair color .::. Dark Brown
46. Long or short .::. short
47. Are you a health freak .::. I would make Jillian Michaels have a stroke with how unhealthy I am.
48. Height .::. 5'6"
49. Do you have a crush on someone .::. Nope!
50: What do you like about yourself .::. I'm nice to everyone. It is also my fatal flaw, though.
51. What don’t you like about yourself .::. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEverything

A very morbid post about death....

So I worked last night (only a 4-hour shift, I am sick of working every damn weekend!), and about 2 hours into it we had a death on the other hallway.

Let's take a break and explain my work: The nursing  home is divided into 2 halls for NOC shift, with 2 CNAs and a nurse at each hall. I work on East 95% of the time with Darth Vader, an older lady who is beginning to really get on my nerves... more on that another time. East is the more "stable" hallway, residents don't move halls often, they are there long-term. A lot of dementia here, which I prefer. West has the Medicare wing, which is all rehab patients (ones who are working towards going home) and there is a hospice room (people who are going to die soon, within 6 months). This isn't definite, there are medicare patients on East, long-term on West, and all that, but that is the general rule of thumb.

Moving forward: so we had a guy pass away last night, which we all knew was going to happen, as he took himself off of dialysis about a week ago, so he actually lasted longer than we all thought he would (Dialysis is what you do when your kidneys don't work and you need to go to the hospital 3 times a week to get your blood filtered). It was Darth Vader and I on East and K and T on West, BR came in at midnight to be float, which means she helps out both sides (it's a GREAT night when we have a float! Doesn't happen often). We all knew this guy was going to die, and very soon. The family was called, and I let them in while I was on break downstairs. They came inside and the wife says "This is our son, ____", and I say "Nice to meet you!" and that felt awkward. Like... is it really? It WAS nice, but... his dad died like an hour later. They were pretty good, then he died less than 5 minutes after they left. K had gone home at this point, a medical emergency with one of her moms (she has a bio mom and an adoptive mom I believe), so we were "down" to 4. Well, T comes over to East and asks me "_____ died, do you wanna clean him up or answer call lights?" I answered with a very calm "I'll clean him up with BR". He was flabbergasted! My reasoning was that I don't know the residents on West, how they transfer, who's on fluid restrictions, anything. I've cleaned up a dead body before, it's not a big deal, so I figured it was the lesser of two evils. Plus, BR was helping me. We got him all cleaned up, dressed in a fresh gown, eyes closed, mouth closed, got him as restful looking as possible, and the wife and son came back just as we left the room. Again, I have cleaned up bodies, I have helped coroners transfer bodies to gurnies, I have been around shortly before and after countless deaths of residents. But I have never seen a family member's reaction. It was absolutely heart-breaking. I am very glad that I went home about an hour later.

I have never really been around death. I have all 4 of my grandparents, even though I have never met 2 of them. I have never had a friend or family member die in my life. Exception: my mom's grandparents, Nan and Poppa. Poppa died around 2000 I believe, Nan died in March 2008, almost exactly 2 months before my daughter was born. Isabel (my daughter) would have been her 4th great-great-grandchild. She lived alone, drove herself everywhere, totally independent at 90 years old. Died in her sleep from CHF (congestive heart failure). I really hope I can inherit that. I already have most of the heart problems she had so.... *fingers crossed*. I have been to a couple visitations, but never a funeral. I would have gone to nan's if I weren't 7 months pregnant and already was off of work due to preterm labor. THAT was due to Isabel's piece of shit worthless father putting me under so much undue stress, threatening to take her from me and all that. Asshole.

I'd seen plenty of dead ANIMALS, on the other hand. Once, when my sister and I were little, we had 2 female cats that were ALWAYS pregnant, one always had 5 the other always had 6, within a week of each other. We kept them in the kennel that my mom used to use for her dobermans in the tack room in the horses' stall. My sister apparently felt bad that the poor little kittens had to be locked up, so she left the door unlocked. The next morning, we went out to go check on the kittens (as always), and there were kitten parts.... everywhere. A tom cat came in the night and killed... nay, SLAUGHTERED every male kitten in the batch. My mom was especially pissed because there was a male calico, very extremely rare. We were upset because it was one of the most brutal things I had ever seen, still is to this day. Around the same time, there was a runt kitten we were nurturing back to health, and it died on my sisters lap on her birthday while she was feeding it... perhaps that is the reason she is so cruel to animals these days. Interesting. Or cruel to you know, everybody. Something interesting to ponder I guess....

Let me introduce myself:

Hello, my name is Maria. I live with my boyfriend, his 4-year-old daughter, and my 3-year-old daughter. I am a CNA (Certified Nurses Assistant) at a nursing home, I work the NOC shift (overnights). I'm a cynic, I'm sarcastic, I'm opinionated, but I am the most caring person you'll ever meet (as long as you don't fuck it up). Oh, I curse like a sailor as well. I'm very independent, mainly because I have no one I can depend on in the world EXCEPT myself. I consider myself friendless, I have a VERY sparse amount of family that I don't want to shoot in the face. Lovah (the aforementioned boyfriend) and his daughter are pretty much the only other people I care for, besides my daughter.

There will be a lot of bitching on here, a lot of f-bombs, and a lot of sick humor that if you don't get it well then I guess nobody is holding a gun to your head making you read it (is there? If there is, you should probably dial your local emergency number), I will not tolerate any attacks on here of any sort. I have no one I can vent to or talk to about my problems that I am having, and I need to put them somewhere. So, there you have it. That is ME in a nutshell!