So there has been a vast expansion of people I know who are either having a baby or have a new(er) baby than mine (3 is still baby-stage, right?) and they think they have all the answers (DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT MEAN EVERYONE!). I am bombarded left and right with the things I have done wrong and/or are doing wrong with my child. According to all of this information, I should probably be forcibly sterilized. Let me start at the beginning:
Pregnancy I found out I was pregnant about 4 weeks along. I consider this QUITE impressive, considering I hadn't had my period in MONTHS, due to the Depo-Provera shot. This right here shows how in tune I am with my body! So, I was about 21 1/2. The 4 weeks until I found out I was knocked up? Yeah, smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish. OH, and got into a side-impact car collision (I was in the car that got hit... and the side that got hit) and then proceeded to get like a bajillion x-rays. Yep. "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" "Not a chance! Gimme that radiation baby!". Let me tell you I was freaked out that she was gonna come out with an arm out of her forehead or something. While pregnant, I was actually pretty good. I think I took 2 Tylenol the entire pregnancy.
Birth I was induced. Why? Pull up a chair, let me tell you a story. When I was 6 weeks and 2 days (how do I know? STFU and read) from my due date, DBD and I were arguing before I had to go work 3rd shift at Walmart (soooo white trash). He was saying how he was going to get Goob taken away from me because I was crazy and blah blah blah he was probably drunk and getting a blowie at the time. I, on the other hand, being hugely pregnant, single, poor, and just really not doing so great in life.... got very stressed about this. I ended up starting labor that night. Like a trooper (who didn't get sick pay), I made it to the end of my shift and then ran outta there like a bat outta Hell, and went to the ER. I was given some meds to stop my labor and sent home on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Although my labor was halted, it was still going on. Therefore, my doctor decided to induce me because I was having contractions regularly, they'd been every 4 minutes for days with no progression or water breakage. He didn't want me to go overdue because of my own health, and it was 5 days before my due date and I was fucking SICK of having contractions all the fucking time. Apparently women who get induced go against nature and blah blah whine hippie feminist organic vegan crap I don't care about. The kid came out and could hold her head up and would look you right in the damn eye. She was 6 lb 9 oz. She was perfectly healthy in every damn way. I also had an epidural. Why? Because I spend roughly 1/3 of my entire life in agonizing pain and if I can choose to NOT have pain, I fucking WILL. Not only that, but since I was induced, my labor was fucking awful. 12 hours of hard labor, the last 2 to 2 1/2 were pushing. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I was sooooo damn close to a c-section! She was also face-up (they are not supposed to be), so that didn't help. (GROSS ALERT!!!) I also tore front-to-back. TWICE. I looked down and there was a fucking BLOODY GRAPEFRUIT where my hoo-ha was supposed to be! I bled out so badly they almost gave me a transfusion. It wasn't needed, but I did have to stay 2 nights, which is odd for a vaginal birth. I would have been a c-section had it not been for the epidural, because my ass would have passed the fuck out from being split open like a Thanksgiving turkey. So a big FUCK YOU to anyone who says I'm a terrible mom for the induction and the epidural.
Breastfeeding Very controversial. There are moms willing to slit the throats of other moms who don't breastfeed. Those moms are usually of the hippie feminist vegan organic PeTA-sponsoring crowd. You know what? I at least tried it. I gave it a go for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of absolute pain, agony, torture, and just plain awkwardness. My daughter, bless her heart, had a strong sucking reflex. Examples: when the nurse went to test her reflex... my daughter sucked the glove off her finger. When she'd fall asleep with her Nuk in her mouth,. I could pick up her head like 6 inches off the crib mattress holding onto just the Nuk. And you expect my nipples to be OKAY with this?! I was in pain before leaving the hospital. She was a natural. She latched immediately, she fed like a champ. I was never taught or coached, we were an all-star team! I was bleeding and blistered on both my nips in a week. After another week of trying pumping (I HATE PUMPS I AM NOT A COW!!!), ointments, creams, you name it... I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was creating a vampire baby. Not only that... but I was raised in a house where you didn't talk about nudity, you didn't see nudity, nothing. We weren't allowed 2 piece swim suits til we were teenagers! No shorts unless there wasn't any snow on the ground, and then they had to be past fingertips. We could watch Freddy movies all we wanted but GOD FORBID there's a sex scene! I was creeped out by it. I didn't like it, I was not bonding with my child. It felt awkward and gross, and I hated it. Sorry! You know what? I now have a perfectly healthy 3-year-old who is in the 50th percentile for weight-for-height (aka PERFECT), she's bigger than some 4-year-olds I know, she's very bright, very happy, never sick, she's an all-around amazing person and me and her have a bond that is beyond description. I am her #1, we are a team. WITHOUT breast-feeding. Maybe if I breast fed we'd have a creepy mother/daughter bond that just crossed the line into like serial killer stuff. Maybe I saved her from that life! Either way, fuck you if you think I'm a horrible mom for not breast feeding. My child is perfect in every way. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WAY. I'm pretty sure she'd have just drank my complete lack of talent and be the most boring person on Earth had she drank from my teat.
Baby Stage I never baby-proofed. Not a single thing. Why not? I believe a child should learn that they can't touch certain things. NO I didn't leave chemicals and weapons where she could reach them, I'm not completely stupid. But things were left out that I didn't want her touching. If she went to get it I would tell her to leave it alone and tell her why. I put gates up where they were needed, of course. And I never got a walker cuz it's the worst thing ever invented. She had a pacifier. OMG I'M AWFUL SHE'S GOING TO GROW TEETH OUT OF THE SIDE OF HER FACE!!!! Fuck off and shut up. You know how much more SLEEP I got from that damn thing?! A LOT. That kid slept through the night by 3 months old. 12 fucking HOURS. And still took like 2 or 3 good naps a day! Moms drown their kids in the tub and feed them rat poison from going insane from lack of sleep. I saved her life with that Nuk. I also took it away when she was 1. How? Um, I literally took it away and cut it up and threw it away in the outside garbage. No "Binky Fairy", no "other babies need it" or any other stupid lies like that (I do not lie to my child. Not even over little things), I took it and said "you're too old" She's fucking ONE what the fuck is she going to understand? If your kid is so old you have to think of an elaborate lie as to why she doesn't need a pacifier.... that kid is too fucking old for a pacifier. Same with bottles. Izzy was bottle broke at 10 months. I was sick of washing them, so fuck it. We got her sippies with straws in them. She had massive GERD til she was almost 2, so it was nice for her to be able to sit up while drinking her formula (which was given until she was 1). Another naughty no-no: she slept in bed with me until she was 3 months old. Not in a co-sleeper, but in a little makeshift bed I made for her next to me. I was paranoid. I had never baby sat, I have no younger siblings, I had ZERO baby experience and I was single. I didn't have a single fucking clue. So, she stayed in bed with me until she started getting more mobile. Then one night I put her in her crib to sleep. And that was that. OMG I ruined her for life! Fuck you.
Discipline This one is very touchy for me. Remember, everyone, this is MY OPINION. This is MY parenting style. I'm not saying this is what EVERYONE should do! CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!! Anyway, I digress... I spank. Yep, I admit it! What's in your head? Visions of me beating my child for sneezing? Throwing her around? Bruises? Her screaming "NO MOMMY STOP!!!"?! You're fucking ignorant. This is how it goes: I say no/stop/knock it off/etc. Naughtiness continues. Naughty chair or bedroom. That's the usual. Spanking/mouth smacking is reserved for things like: "Shut up mommy" "______ or I'll stab you" (yes, that has been said by a child in our house) or anything like that. Or, if we have told them to not play behind the damn coffee table a BAJILLION fucking times and they knocked over my (expensive) Scentsy warmer, breaking it, A-FUCKING-GAIN (We really can't have nice things), and we spank because a swat on the butt is better than getting hot wax dumped on them, broken ceramic lacerating their feet, hot light bulb on their flesh, etc. It is not a generic punishment meant for ALL transgressions. And it is rarely more than 2 swats, on a clothed butt. I don't even think it's ever even resulted in them saying "ow". It's an eye-opener, it grabs their attention. I've also heard these days we aren't supposed to yell or say "no". What the hippie-fuck is this stupid shit about?! I'm all for not verbally abusing your child. But to not tell them no? To be all fucking stoner hippie with them? If my kid jumps on the couch (which she does. A lot. Even after falling off), I'm not going to calmly watch her and say "Honey, we don't jump on the couch" Okay, so I usually tell her to stop nicely.... once. Then it's gonna be a bit louder and more like "Jump one more time and it's naughty chair" Then my ass will drag her to that naughty chair. Why? Because SOMEONE FUCKING HAS TO!!! Kids need to be told no, that they can't do things. They fucking test our boundaries every goddamn day, and you need to set them. Set them early and set them firmly. My parents yelled and spanked (and other things, but that's different). You know what our thoughts were? "Fuck, that sucked. I won't do that again!" and we didn't. We were really good kids! If my mom would have said "Honey, we don't take the truck for a joyride without permission. We are concerned about your safety when we don't know where you are." I woulda been like "Oh, that's it? FUCK I'll do it again! All I am gonna get is talked to!" Instead, I walked in the door and got my head smacked so hard I forgot the 1st grade (MAY be an exaggeration). I don't beat my child, I don't abuse my child.
FUCK there is so much more but this is really long. Maybe I'll have to do another one another day...
I HATE judgey parents! Here's the thing, just because it worked for you doesn't mean it works for everyone and I honestly think there is no "right" way to parent. Obviously child abuse, etc isn't acceptable but I see nothing wrong with spanking in certain situations. I've seen your child and she turned out perfectly fine. I wouldn't worry about what any of the hippy-dippy parents think. ;)
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