A rare glimpse at my self-esteem

You can ask anyone: I absolutely hate myself. My Lovah and I even have made almost a game out of it, he names it, I say what I hate about it. BUT!! There are two things I take pride in knowing that I do exceptionally well: being a mother and being a caregiver at my job (CNA in a nursing home, for those of you not knowing). You've seen me defend the first, now you'll see me defend the latter. I'm just as passionate.

Here's the low-down of my job:

First off, the nurses and CNAs have a boss called the DON (Director of Nursing), and all of the department heads (Activities, Dietary, Business Office, etc.) have a new boss, the Administrator, who has been there a couple months and is starting to get a grip on things around the place (they suck). There are 3 shifts at the nursing home, AM PM and NOC (morning, afternoon, overnight; respectively). I work NOC. Apparently Days has been bitching about the following on NOCs: not getting up extra people during the week, not dressing people properly (forgetting socks, just throwing clothes on people), leaving them in dirty beds, getting residents dressed but not out of bed, etc. Basically we are not doing our jobs and it is a form of resident neglect and abuse, and they went straight to the administrator with it.

Fast-forward through my 2 nights off (which I had no phone because we're poor and couldn't afford  it), I go back to work to EVERYONE and their mother telling me I got written up for the above reasons. Umm... okay. No notes had been left for me, since my phone was disconnected, nothing. So, I am in a panic. I figure I will be talked to at the end of my shift, cuz by then it was Friday morning. Nope. No notes left still all weekend. I worked last night, nothing this morning. But, instead of being a CHILD about it, like other people are being, I went straight to the source and asked the girl who originally went to the administrator about it. She said that she never turned me in at all, that she told them I go above and beyond and do an excellent job and that nothing bad she said was about me. Which is good, cuz I had an entire speech prepared for if I was mentioned. She said not to worry, I wasn't mentioned (in a negative way) at all. PHEW! I worried for like a week!

I take pride in caring for my residents. I am known as "The Whisperer" with certain residents, being the only one who can deal with some of them. One guy has been sent to a behavioral place cuz he's so violent and angry and all that jazz. I have him laughing, talking, doing anything. I can get him washed up, in bed, and sleeping in the time it takes most people to get punched in the face by him. Another one is the same way, he has aphasia (you understand what is said to you, and you know EXACTLY what you want to say... but your brain mixes up the signals and you can't get it out.), and I had him laughing last night, I talked to him a bit and got him settled in bed just fine. That's why I believe it's my duty to work with Alzheimer's Disease and Dementia... I work so well with it. I also enjoy working with it. The only thing is I'm a mom, and I get piddly child support. I can't work full time, do school, and raise my child full time. Especially if she's going to need all these therapies. But if I did... her life, and my future children's lives, will be so much better. But she'd suffer until then. Ugh. I dunno.

Losing it

So much crap getting so much worse. I have to call like fifty people today once I get my new phone. I think I'll start with Dr. Russia, my pediatrician. The Goob is getting so much worse, and fast. The tantrums are about hourly now. She pretty much isn't allowed near Loo cuz she'll physically attack her. She's biting herself and/or others multiple times a day, screaming all the time. I really feel like I can't do this another minute, let alone forever. It's killing Lovah and I because we can't agree on how to handle it, his daughter doesn't know what the hell to think, and poor Goob is going to end up in the nuthouse and/or hospital. But she's fine, nothing is wrong. Totally normal behavior. What do I know? Every kid does this? Every parent is afraid of their child injuring themselves on purpose all the time? Apparently people think I am pretty stupid.

I also need to call my Ob/Gyn about what to do about my IUD. Mine is migrating, and it needs to come out before it ends up completely destroying my insides, or migrating through my uterus. I amsaying "Fuck off" to birth control because I am 100% sure it's been my problem since Goob was born. Ever since my IUD migrated, I have normal periods! The pain is getting worse, but that's always been the trade-off. I either bleed til I need the ER or I am in pain equivalent to childbirth. Pain is easier dealt with, I've discovered. I've dealt with the bleeding a while, and my tolerance to Tylenol has gone down (1500 mg doses instead of 2000 does the trick!), so I figure I'll go this route a while. My liver and kidneys have been benched long enough! Besides, we will be trying for a baby in 8 months, so it'll be just fine!

Then I still have the wedding stuff, goob's school stuff, buying all her winter clothes for outside, etc... anyone who has any help whatsoever with buying their kids anything.... you are so fucking lucky! Lovah helps where he can, but he has his own child to support. I get a small amount of child support and no extra help with school pictures, outdoor clothes for winter, school supplies, nothing. Thankfully I picked up extra shifts so I can afford to get this stuff today, at the cost of almost all my time with Lovah. Meanwhile, DBD has no job because he goes to school a couple hours a day for a career he will NEVER get a job in. I sure can pick 'em. Not that I picked him to create a child with, but at least I learned my lesson there!

Ooo Fancy!

I am blogging from my phone!! So, naturally, I am amazing. We brought the girls to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, and they had a blast! Then we went to my parents' house tonight and they rode the horses, which they also enjoyed.

I received some AMAZING news yesterday :) in December, Molly (future SIL) will be an official SAHM. And she just may start watching The Goob for me, instead of sending her to the shit-hole day care. I almost cried. This is great news. It would not only save us tons of money, but Goob would be taken care of someone who isn't so stupid. She will get the care and help she needs to help her be the best person she can be! So I am very hopeful :)

Some answers....

I got the paperwork from The Goob's appointment in Marshfield with the behavioral specialist/speech therapist/sensory person. Basically there were some surprises, but nothing that wasn't at least somewhat expected. I knew she was behind in speech. I did not realize she was a year behind in speech. She's behind everywhere, in every category across the board except she has the fine motor skills of a nearly 5-year-old. So far the only thing that may be the issue is ADHD, but they aren't 100% on that, either. I need to bring her back in in about 4 months for them to see her again (especially the sensory lady!!!). This time I am going to write things down and bring it with, because her self-mutilation is getting worse again, especially the biting herself. It is now daily, multiple times a day. I just wanna scream and cry and just hide in a hole because my baby is hurting herself on purpose, because she's mad at me. I'm causing it, I feel. I am being mean and too strict and not loving enough so she feels she needs to hurt herself to deal with it. This whole thing is making me so severely depressed. I cry so much because I feel like such a failure as a mother. Especially if she ends up not having ADHD or something of the sort, and she's just behind in every single thing but one because I'm just a shit mom who doesn't do anything right and is screwing her up and she's never going to be a functioning adult. Through it all, all I can think of is karma. This is what I get for cutting, for putting my own parents through the same exact thing. When I was younger I used to be huge into self-harm as a form of self-punishment when I was frustrated. When I was little, it was hitting things, punching walls, banging my head on the wall to the point of nearly blacking out. Then I got older and it was abusing pain killers, and once a gun was (literally) put to my head and I was told to stop, I decided I needed to start cutting. If my father knew he alone is the only reason I ever mutilated my arm, I am 100% sure he'd kill himself. It would absolutely destroy him. The only reason he put the loaded gun in my face and threatened to kill me is that I'm his baby and I was about to hurt myself, and with no parenting skills to fall back on (father drank all the time, mother hid in her room until all the kids were in school), he responded with the only thing he knew: threatening. The phrase "If you want to die, I will kill us both right here and now" is burned into the forefront of my mind until the day I die. But I never once overdosed again.

All I know is this is absolutely killing my relationship. Lovah does NOT understand what I am going through right now. Between stress from Crazy, money, Goob, and having pain flare-ups.... I mean, I'll be lucky to get married next year at this rate. Which , at the same time makes me incredibly angry that so much emphasis is put on sex, like it's the only thing that matters. Like it's all I'm good for, and the only reason he's with me. I dread it, when we have alone time, cuz it's all that is mentioned. Either wanting it or whining cuz I don't want it. Enough to drive me up a wall. I dunno, I feel like I am slowly losing myself, my mind, every day.

Back to the Goob part.... I just want the next 4 months to fly by. I want answers. I want to scream at the mountain top "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!!" To all the nay-sayers who thought my daughter was just fine. She's not, she needs some help. The only way I am going to get it is to say "I don't give a fuck what any of you say" and go ahead and do it. I'm glad I went with my instincts! I knew she was behind, I didn't realize that my child is, mentally, a 2-2 1/2 year old. She will be 3 1/2 next month. A year or year and a half doesn't sound like much... but when you're talking about only 3 1/2 years total, it's a huge difference. So she will more than likely be pulled from Head Start and put into the Early Childhood program here in town. Which will break her heart to not ride the bus anymore. But, I am doing the best I can for my baby. My mom is now fully disgusted with me that I want to have more kids. Excuse me? This is actually good! I know what to look for in the next 2, if they are having issues! Plus, they'll be boys, and boys are different. Either way, I am having two more.

Is that a light at the end of the tunnel!?

.... Nope, just a "watch for delays" sign. Damnit.

So, we have appliances. Washer, dryer, stove, and fridge. All new, except the fridge (5 years old). Problem: stove his hooked up but sitting in the middle of the kitchen (makes me PARANOID!!!). Washer and dryer are still in the boxes in the garage. I am now forced to bring AAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the laundry (or at least the necessary stuff) to the future in-laws. I'm not complaining in the sense you think I am complaining. I love them, and they are AWESOME and they said that if we were to divorce that they'd take me in the settlement :) I am complaining because I fucking HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE hand-outs. I am almost 26 goddamn years old and I should really have my shit one fuck of a lot more put together than I do. I appreciate it, and I know they're being nice, and I'm a major hypocrite cuz I am Helpy McHelperton when I am able to be, but it's just.... embarrassing, I guess is the word for it. Not only that but I'd have to buy soap JUST for doing laundry once over there. Izzy and I HAVE to use All Free & Clear. They have a front-loader fancy thingy that you need to use certain soaps for. I feel like just sucking it up, but I am already broken out in hives from stress, I don't need them from soap, too. But I really don't want to go to Walmart and buy damn laundry soap just to do laundry once. Though, it looks like it could be quite some time before ours are set up. Lovah has WAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY (lovin' the all-caps-too-many-letters thing today!) too many projects on his plate right now, and I know for a fact he bit off a fuck ton more than he can chew and we can't afford any of it. So we are pretty much fucked. I kind of wish the house would just burn down. Because at this point it's not going to be done for a long long time. And I would like to do laundry! I did a load a NIGHT before and it's been a week and we are drowning in laundry and have no clean clothes and I just want to cry.

Stressed to the MAX!

WARNING: CONTAINS LOTS OF BITCHING AND/OR MOANING!!!

So everything has taken a turn for the crappy lately. Lovah's ex-wife (let's call her Crazy) decided to get a wild hair up her ass (more on that in a bit) and decided to take our washer, dryer, fridge, and stove. Granted, yes, they are HERS, she got them in the divorce. I told Lovah that it was a huge mistake to EVER keep them at the house, they should have been put in storage for her stupid ass to deal with. BUT what's done is done, and thank GOD I am getting $1,300 in back child support in the next couple of days or we'd be in some dire straits. My future in-laws bought us a washer and dryer (we just have to pay them for one, about $300), so now we have to find a cheap fridge/stove or we will not be eating. Anything. THEN Crazy decides to take my complaining of needing a fridge and stove on short notice to the ULTIMATE mountain-into-molehill reaction ever and wants to keep Loo from seeing her own father (ummm illegal?) because I am "hostile" and she "isn't safe with me around" Um, what the literal FUCK is she talking about?! I'm "hostile" because I refuse to talk to her face-to-face. Why? Because I like my face arranged how it is, and I enjoy the ability to walk on my own. That and what's there to be said? She said she is going to take me to court for slander (because she is apparently so stupid). Apparently saying we need appliances because the ex wife is taking them is slander? Because that's a lie? Does that mean she's NOT going to take them? THEN, because I wouldn't go talk to her (as though there is ANYTHING I need to say to that thunder-cunt), she said she's going to call the cops on me. I was speechless. She says I am pure evil and that I break up families? I have never, in my life, seen such an over-reaction to anything. Ever. And I was raised by my mother, the QUEEN of over-exaggerating. That woman turned IBS into colon cancer! DRAMA!!!!

So, what made her so angry to take all of the appliances (which she doesn't NEED)? Here's a story: I went with the future in-laws to go visit Lovah's brother, wife, and their new baby in Illinois. Crazy was supposed to feed the dog while we were gone (NOT my idea, I didn't even know the stupid bitch was going to be doing it). While we were gone, she went INTO our house to "wash her hands and feed the fish". Lovah told him that was unacceptable and she's lucky we didn't call the cops for trespassing/breaking and entering. We recently learned she still had keys to the house because "he didn't ask for them back". I am now fully convinced she was dropped on her head DAILY as a child, probably into her teens. Again, this is all my fault. So, out of spite, she said she was going to come take the washer/dryer while we were still gone. Um. No. He told her if they were gone when we came home the cops would be called. UGGGHHH!

In Goob news, she had her appointment in Marshfield. She needs speech therapy for sure, and probably occupational for sensory, though I had an issue with that. The lady saw Goob for like 10 minutes, didn't ask me too many questions. This is my BIGGEST concern, it has been since day one. She is going to end up seriously hurting herself, under-playing it, and who knows what could happen. She could have her appendix burst and hardly be able to tell the symptoms. It takes a fever of over 103 to even START to slow her down. She ran/jumped around with a fractured foot, for crying out loud. In the span of one year, she had 3 black eyes (SEVERE ones, one even split her cheek open and there is a scar there), a fractured foot, and a contusion on her head. The only reason it's gotten better is because I have learned that she needs more of an eye kept on her than a normal child. That means that even at the age of 3, I cannot shower without someone else home (unless she's sleeping hard), and I cannot even go to the bathroom without the door open if we're the only ones home. I don't like her playing up in her room by herself, because all I can think of is her killing herself in her room, or falling down the stairs and breaking her neck because she likes to hop down the stairs with 50 things in her hands. Her lack of a sense of danger is quite alarming to me. The doctor wants to see her again in 3-4 months to evaluate her again, and he wants me to ask her school and daycare and doctor some questions about what she's like with them. My mom says she's a "perfect angel" for them, but I really doubt it. If she is, it's because my mom totally coddles her. Plus there's no other kids there, so she's in heaven. When it's just her, she does act really well. She listens, she doesn't act out, she's much less violent.  Ugh.

On a happy note, tomorrow is her school pictures for head start! I am, admittedly, going a bit nuts. But they are her FIRST school pictures ever, and I am extremely excited. Now that I have addresses I can mail them to family all over, so they won't be wasted.

On another happy note: I AM GETTING MONEY!!! In the next couple of days I will be receiving over $1,300 in back child support. Plus I get paid Thursday, I am going to be rich. For about ten minutes. I have to get insurance on my car, get new tabs for my car, pay the other half of my dress, pay for a fridge and stove, pay daycare, pay my mom.... and hopefully have enough left to keep gas in my car for another 2 weeks. OH and pay the in-laws the $360 we owe them. Some things may not happen. But we will do our best. Like Lovah said, it's like a mini tax-return! Plus it's tax-free, so that's nice :)

Okay I think I'm done complaining. I just wish I could have used that money for something fun for The Goob. Welcome to adulthood, I guess!