I got the paperwork from The Goob's appointment in Marshfield with the behavioral specialist/speech therapist/sensory person. Basically there were some surprises, but nothing that wasn't at least somewhat expected. I knew she was behind in speech. I did not realize she was a year behind in speech. She's behind everywhere, in every category across the board except she has the fine motor skills of a nearly 5-year-old. So far the only thing that may be the issue is ADHD, but they aren't 100% on that, either. I need to bring her back in in about 4 months for them to see her again (especially the sensory lady!!!). This time I am going to write things down and bring it with, because her self-mutilation is getting worse again, especially the biting herself. It is now daily, multiple times a day. I just wanna scream and cry and just hide in a hole because my baby is hurting herself on purpose, because she's mad at me. I'm causing it, I feel. I am being mean and too strict and not loving enough so she feels she needs to hurt herself to deal with it. This whole thing is making me so severely depressed. I cry so much because I feel like such a failure as a mother. Especially if she ends up not having ADHD or something of the sort, and she's just behind in every single thing but one because I'm just a shit mom who doesn't do anything right and is screwing her up and she's never going to be a functioning adult. Through it all, all I can think of is karma. This is what I get for cutting, for putting my own parents through the same exact thing. When I was younger I used to be huge into self-harm as a form of self-punishment when I was frustrated. When I was little, it was hitting things, punching walls, banging my head on the wall to the point of nearly blacking out. Then I got older and it was abusing pain killers, and once a gun was (literally) put to my head and I was told to stop, I decided I needed to start cutting. If my father knew he alone is the only reason I ever mutilated my arm, I am 100% sure he'd kill himself. It would absolutely destroy him. The only reason he put the loaded gun in my face and threatened to kill me is that I'm his baby and I was about to hurt myself, and with no parenting skills to fall back on (father drank all the time, mother hid in her room until all the kids were in school), he responded with the only thing he knew: threatening. The phrase "If you want to die, I will kill us both right here and now" is burned into the forefront of my mind until the day I die. But I never once overdosed again.
All I know is this is absolutely killing my relationship. Lovah does NOT understand what I am going through right now. Between stress from Crazy, money, Goob, and having pain flare-ups.... I mean, I'll be lucky to get married next year at this rate. Which , at the same time makes me incredibly angry that so much emphasis is put on sex, like it's the only thing that matters. Like it's all I'm good for, and the only reason he's with me. I dread it, when we have alone time, cuz it's all that is mentioned. Either wanting it or whining cuz I don't want it. Enough to drive me up a wall. I dunno, I feel like I am slowly losing myself, my mind, every day.
Back to the Goob part.... I just want the next 4 months to fly by. I want answers. I want to scream at the mountain top "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!!" To all the nay-sayers who thought my daughter was just fine. She's not, she needs some help. The only way I am going to get it is to say "I don't give a fuck what any of you say" and go ahead and do it. I'm glad I went with my instincts! I knew she was behind, I didn't realize that my child is, mentally, a 2-2 1/2 year old. She will be 3 1/2 next month. A year or year and a half doesn't sound like much... but when you're talking about only 3 1/2 years total, it's a huge difference. So she will more than likely be pulled from Head Start and put into the Early Childhood program here in town. Which will break her heart to not ride the bus anymore. But, I am doing the best I can for my baby. My mom is now fully disgusted with me that I want to have more kids. Excuse me? This is actually good! I know what to look for in the next 2, if they are having issues! Plus, they'll be boys, and boys are different. Either way, I am having two more.
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