Oopies!

So... kinda forgot I had a blog. Whoops! Okay, so, update: wedding cancelled *gasps heard from around the globe*. Marriage NOT cancelled. *sighs of relief from all*. I know everyone is soooo disappointed, it was going to be the most awesome wedding EVER!!!! But, we decided spending money on ourselves was a better idea than spending money on anyone else. Because we're awesome. Weddings are fun, but week-long trips to Ireland are like.... way better. So, we are getting married in exactly 2 months on February 29th. Yep, leap year. How SWEET is that?! I'll tell you... it's pretty damn sweet. Then we go to Ireland at the end of March. THEN yours truly gets knocked up like a little ho. Only I'll be married, and this one won't be a bastard. I wouldn't call Izzy a bastard if she didn't act like one so much. But she's my little bastard. And a cute one, to boot! And, truth be told, I love that little bastard.

On to the rest of this post: I'm going to keep track of my New Years Resolutions on here. I have a few:

1. Quit smoking. I have until we go to Ireland. Because then it's baby-making time, and I will not be smoking at the start of this pregnancy. I always wonder if maybe Isabel wouldn't have the problems she has if I didn't drink and smoke so heavily before I found out I was pregnant. Or get into that accident. Or get those X-rays. Yeah. I suppose I should be happy she doesn't have an arm growing out of her forehead. But I do wonder.

2. Quit drinking pop/Only eat out once a month. This includes fast food and sit-down restaurants. I want to be healthier. I don't necessarily want to lose weight, because if I'm to be getting my eggs fertilized and growing a person in my uterus, losing weight would be fairly counter-productive. And unhealthy for ze bebe. So cutting those two things alone should help out quite a bit.

3. Read 100 books! I can do it! Easily! Especially once I get my Kindle Fire when we get our taxes back :) There are so many on my "Wanted" list to read that I can't hardly contain myself. And, since I'm less than half done, I'm going to count the book I'm reading now as Book #1. I'm allowed to cheat. I'm sanely thinking of bringing child #3 into this household, I need all the help I can get!

So, I will be posting weekly updates on my resolutions, to see how I'm doing. For all 2 of you who read this. It's really more for me, anyway. So there! I'm excited, are you?! I AM!!!! Not that excited, sorry, I'm out of control.



PS: Very proud of my limit on the swears in this blog. Gramma would be proud!

10 Things I'm Thankful For

I was going to do 30 things I am thankful for, but.... that was hard. Especially if I wanted to avoid sounding completely arrogant. These are my major things, and I'm pretty sure it took me like 45 minutes to even think of these lol. Here we go!

1. First, and most importantly, my daughter. Before she was born, I was headed towards a very terrible future. I was still cutting regularly, drinking myself to death, I wasn't eating, I was smoking like a chimney (I still smoke but not often), I was battling severe depression (again, still do, but it's easier to see the light now), and I was just on a path of self-destruction. I can honestly say, without a doubt, that she saved my life. I would have killed myself. I do still struggle, I do get the urge to cut or binge drink or destroy myself.... but it's not as often, and I am able to control it.

2. My Lovah. He puts up with a lot. I'm a cold-hearted bitch who despises affection of any kind. Somehow he hasn't murdered me in my sleep. Yet *knocks on wood*

3. My job. There are things I hate about it, it's not the greatest. BUT it is a full-time job, and I make a difference. I help people, and I get paid..... well, better than fast-food people. But I DO get paid!

4. A roof over my head. Cuz, seriously, if I had to live with my parents again, there would be a double murder/suicide in the papers. Which sort of conflicts with number 5....

5. My parents. They were NOT by any means perfect or even necessarily good parents. But they raised me to be who I am. They taught me tough love, to fend for myself, and that there are NO free rides in life. They've come a long way, and they do help me out quite a bit now, but only on conditions. They never just buy me anything, I have earned every single last thing I have ever had, my parents haven't bought me anything since I was 16 years old. They never bought me a car, a computer, furniture, NOTHING. And I am very very proud of that. The closest they came is they purchase my cars because of ruined credit due to identity theft, but I have to pay them back ASAP, always in less than a year. And I appreciate that :)

6. My AMAZING health! Now, those of you who know me know that I have had tons of surgery. This is the first year I have gone without a major hospital visit since like 2004, so that is absolutely amazing. But even THAT aside, I have the best health of anyone I know. I am never sick. I've never even had the flu (or a flu shot, for that matter). So I am thankful for that!

7. A car that runs. Honestly, that is a huge deal. Especially in a Wisconsin climate. A/C works, heat works, runs great, it's all one color... can't ask for much more!

8. A great family... in-law.... soon. Seriously, they are amazing! I can't believe how lucky I am to be marrying someone with such a great family. It makes up for me having such a fucked up family that doesn't know how to treat anyone and only looks out for themselves.

9. Friends. Though few in number, I am thankful for the few I have. It's nice to have someone to joke around with and de-stress with. Get some girl-time. It's important!

10. My mind. I have a pretty spectacular mind, in my opinion. I am very open-minded, incredibly smart, fairly witty, and I can be pretty hilarious at times.

Liadan Elaine

So I got my kitty! She is so adorable, and great with the kids, even The Goob!

In more awesome news, I actually have a whole weekend off, with no kids! Lovah and I are at a loss of what to do. I have Molly's baby shower Saturday, but nothing else! Of course, it's stupid deer hunting so Sunday will be spent sleeping, I'm sure. I have to work that night, anyway.

In very scary news, there were abnormalities found on my mom's mammogram. Her mom had breast cancer. They are going to do more tests Monday, but Mom isn't worried.... which worries me. This is a woman who coughs once and swears she's got strep, bronchitis, SARS, and she is about to die. This is just adding on top of everything else, it's hard to concentrate on the positive when nothing good is happening. But I have my Goob and that's all I need! Lovah and Loo are nice, too, but I would die without my Goob.

Speaking of my favorite person, she's doing pretty well! She's getting along with Loo better, and she's in love with Liadan. It's strange to have Loo be the problem lately, not Goob. She's even talking a little better, but still only about as well as a two-year-old. Her anger issues have lessened, but her ability to listen and know the difference between right and wrong still suffers greatly. January can't come soon enough. She's gonna kill herself by then. She has started jumping off the stairs from like 4 steps up. I really don't want her breaking something, or worse. Ugh!

So that's where I'm at right now.

Endo Woes (TMI Alert!!)

Good lord 2 weeks is too long to have a period. I have a fluid pocket on the right side of my uterus again. It's been happening ever 3-4 months, and it gets to the point where it doubles me over in pain. I give up going to the doctor for it, because nothing can be done. I just deal with it, go to work, raise my kid, because the world doesn't stop because I'm in severe pain. Tylenol is worthless, I may as well take Skittles for it. I refuse to ask for stronger stuff from the doctor because I feel like I'm a seeker and I'm not. Plus Vicodin makes me hyper and messes with my heart and I'm allergic to Tramadol, Torrodol, and Aspirin. But, bitching won't do anything about it. It just sucks because it's messing with my sleep, because sleeping is hard when you feel like needles being stabbed into your abdomen. Every time I get this pocket, I also bleed heavily. I get my period for like 2 months straight. It also wears me out, so I'm exhausted all the time but I can't sleep. Make sense? Of course not! It makes work even harder, and it's already got me at my physical limit with all of the staff cuts.

On the happy side: I'm getting a kitty!!! Lovah thinks everyone will be mad because we "can't afford it". I told him that maybe that should've been in the forefront of his mind when he spent over $60 on video games last month. Yes, getting the initial things cost money, and the cat costs $30 (1/2 price "senior" pets in November!!), but after that cats are quite cheap. She will be fixed and have all of her shots and everything, so $30 is very cheap. She's quite gorgeous, and just a cute little button of a kitty. We got the carrier, the cat box, litter, litter scoop, and food dish. Tomorrow I will get cat food, some toys, and a scratching post. I'm very excited :D I haven't had a kitty since my deaf cat, Bobert, when I was in high school. I have always been a cat person, and back when I hated children, I always said I'd be the crazy cat lady because my parents always told me that no one would ever want to marry me. Even after I met my current fiance. Assholes. Anyway, the only thing I'm stuck on is a name. I can't wait to have something else to love! I have tons of love to give and not NEARLY enough people/animals to give it away to! Which is my own fault, as I am QUITE choosy! But I have decided that a LOT of people are just not worth my time or attention because I know for a fact I'm not worth theirs. Because of this, I have no family left other than my parents. I'm pretty damn okay with this. I grew up not knowing my mom's side of the family (still don't, haven't met them), and after all of the life-altering trauma that happened with my dad's side, we stayed away from them for quite some time, and now I'm learning why. I don't have time for people who treat me like a second-class citizen. I'm a wonderful person with an AMAZING daughter. We're not perfect, we are definitely flawed, but we are who we are and if you don't like us you can take a long walk off a short cliff.

I Hate EVERYTHING

.... and everyone right now! I don't know what it is, but I am severely and chronically unhappy. Between financial woes that are going to get way worse before they get better (who am I kidding?! They'll never get better!!!), my job taking a turn for the worse (I'm currently looking for a second job to supplement my no-longer full-time one!!!), and then the complete and utter realization that no one wants to hear about it kind of makes me want to disappear from the face of the Earth. I am in a funk I haven't been in for YEARS. Since the Goob was born.

Every time I hear someone complain about something -anything- I want to grab them by the hair and bounce their face off the wall. It's so bad?! IT'S SO FUCKING BAD?! If anyone even KNEW what we were facing right now they'd be shocked. BUT I can't tell anyone because, well, Lovah is embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to know. So I have to keep it logged up. And I feel like a failure as a person, as a mother, as a fiance, as everything. It's too much to deal with. We have run out of options. I am so angry and frustrated that it got to this point WITHOUT ME KNOWING IT WAS SO FUCKING BAD. I was not informed about anything, everything going about as though it were just fucking peachy. "Oh no it's fine" "Don't worry about it" "I got it covered" Bullshit.

Oh your job is so fucking hard. OH MY GOD IT'S MONDAY AND YOU HAVE TO WORK!!! Boo-fucking-hoo. Shut up. Every night at work is Russian Roulette. I may or may not be sent home. I am already short 2 shifts on my next paycheck. 3 if you count the shift I picked up and they didn't let me come in and work. I may be sent home one more time before the pay period is over. There are no jobs ANYWHERE that I am qualified for or live close enough to make the drive worth it. I've seen tidbits here and there where stay-at-home-moms (the SAHM is more often than not the biggest crybaby on the face of the Earth, FYI) complain about things like weight gain from lack of exercise, fitting in daily errands to fit in with "busy" schedules with kids, financial "problems" (we can't afford our brand new car/house/anything!). This makes me absolutely sick. Shut your stupid fucking ugly face. You know what a real problem is? Worrying about whether or not your child will even have a fucking ROOF over their heads in 6 months, food in their bellies next week, clothes on their backs throughout the rough Wisconsin winter! I have TWO full-time jobs (soon probably a part-time one on top of it!), and I only -barely- get paid for one of them! I am PROUD to be a working mom, to know that my child gets the things she does because I personally worked for them! When she gets a present from me, I am absolutely giddy with excitement, knowing that I made her happy, that I worked my ass off to get her something she really enjoys. Not just that I happened to marry someone with good money who worked hard for them to have something. But maybe that's because I'm also a single parent, and I have never once EVER in my life had so much as five dollars given to me by my parents. When I left home at 18 I had $20 and a tote of clothes. That was IT, and then didn't speak to my family for over 6 months. If my parents ever DO "get" me anything, it's a loan, and it's a loan I pay back as soon as humanly possible. My parents never babysat for free, my parents never bought me a car, my parents never let me move back home for free, nothing. I'm proud to say that when I get pregnant again, I will work full-time until the damn kid drops out of me. That when/if I ever retire, it'll be knowing that I worked hard my entire life for every little thing I have.

And I do mean work hard. Many people under-value my job (CNA in a nursing home). Some go so far as to lump it in with daycare workers/nannies/babysitters (esentially all the same, IMHO). I finally freaked out on a girl the other day about it. That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. I said it is comparable to a mall cop being the same as an NYPD officer. Yes, they both uphold the law, they can arrest you, they wear a uniform, etc. But they are abso-fucking-lutely NOT the same goddamned thing! Case and point:

Similarities
*Take care of individuals who are unable to care for themselves
*Changing diapers/incontinence products

.... okay, that is RIGHT THERE the extent to the similarities.

Differences
*a compliant, if wiggly, baby vs. a violent, non-compliant fully-grown (200+ pounds I'm talking) adult. Most of which used to be farmers/farmers wives. I have had my ass HANDED to me by the elderly, they can be mean
*"Miss Smith, you're a bitch!", child goes to time out, parents get a call/letter, disciplinary action is taken "GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE YOU STUPID BITCH I'M GOING TO KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!" (yes, your grandma uses these words!) if this resident is unsafe at the moment, or is about to go after another resident...  you just volunteered to be a human shield against a 250 lb. 6' tall ex-Navy farmboy who thinks you're robbing him. You can't TOUCH him (that's abuse!), you can only shield your soft spots. I've known residents to break/fracture/sprain bones on CNAs, leave massive bruises, scratches, bite marks, cuts, etc. The funny thing is.... the women are WAY worse than the men! I get called every name in the book for my entire shift. If I stop and go pee quick, and a resident puts their light on and I don't get it right away because I am peeing or in with another resident, I am called lazy, stupid, awful, threatened with abuse charges, etc. What can I do? Apologize with a smile on my face. Try to do that every day, 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week.
*a child hits you, same scenario as above. I once got suspended because a resident had their hand on my arm and was squeezing so hard the nails were digging in (I ended up bleeding) and I tried to get her fingers off of me.
*The teacher is law, they are always right! vs. CNAs are awful, stupid, know nothing, and they are ALWAYS thinking of ways to abuse residents! I saw a CNA that was about 5' 100 lbs soaking wet get thrown up against the wall by her neck by a 6' 200 lb Alzheimers resident. What did she do? Cleared off his part of the table after lunch. She asked him if she could take the dishes, he said yes. Apparently "yes" didn't apply to his 3 teaspoons of milk left in his glass. She got in trouble for that. Yep, that was her fault. She provoked it.
*A child is sick, they get sent home vs. an old person gets sick, they send them to US. I'm not talking about pneumonia or the flu or any of that piddly crap. I'm talking MRSA, VRSA, C-Diff, Thrush, TB, gastroenteritis, staph, strep, shit like that. Shit that can potentially kill. Most of us have small children at home. Residents don't even get tested for these things until the symptoms have been there quite a while, either. "You know that guy that's been hacking on you all week? Oh, he has MRSA (HIGHLY resistant infection!!!) in his saliva". That kind of shit.
*Dead people. You usually don't deal with them when you deal with kids. Holidays are coming up, so I know that I'll be cleaning up quite a few more dead people, we're due for some and there are a couple (at least) on their way out. BUT with winter here, we'll have more pneumonias and broken hips/arms/legs from falls on the ice!

Do I make my point? Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But when people start talking like it's an EASY one... I get pissed. I have a very very tough job that almost never gives us any breaks. It takes a strong person with an INSANE work-ethic to be able to do my job, that's why many never last more than a month or two. But it can also be incredibly rewarding in a bittersweet way. You get to know these people with different backgrounds who lived a lifetime ago, you share stories, you get to know them, you get to know unexpected things (at my last job I ended up taking care of a lady who was my grandma's neighbor when she was little!), and you get attached. For people, like me, who never really had grandparents (although all 4 of them are STILL alive...), it's nice to get a bunch of extras! But, it makes it sad to have to see them pass away, hoping you made some sort of impact on their lives. The last lady that I had to clean up after she passed I was pretty close to. She was such a sweetheart, she gave me candy every morning, we laughed about things, I was the only one who knew she was Swiss, everyone else thought German. I held her hand for 20 minutes waiting for the ambulance when they sent her out 2 weeks before she passed. I have to stop cuz I'm gonna cry, I miss her.

Well, I think this gets some... SOME of it off my chest, maybe I can sleep now.

A rare glimpse at my self-esteem

You can ask anyone: I absolutely hate myself. My Lovah and I even have made almost a game out of it, he names it, I say what I hate about it. BUT!! There are two things I take pride in knowing that I do exceptionally well: being a mother and being a caregiver at my job (CNA in a nursing home, for those of you not knowing). You've seen me defend the first, now you'll see me defend the latter. I'm just as passionate.

Here's the low-down of my job:

First off, the nurses and CNAs have a boss called the DON (Director of Nursing), and all of the department heads (Activities, Dietary, Business Office, etc.) have a new boss, the Administrator, who has been there a couple months and is starting to get a grip on things around the place (they suck). There are 3 shifts at the nursing home, AM PM and NOC (morning, afternoon, overnight; respectively). I work NOC. Apparently Days has been bitching about the following on NOCs: not getting up extra people during the week, not dressing people properly (forgetting socks, just throwing clothes on people), leaving them in dirty beds, getting residents dressed but not out of bed, etc. Basically we are not doing our jobs and it is a form of resident neglect and abuse, and they went straight to the administrator with it.

Fast-forward through my 2 nights off (which I had no phone because we're poor and couldn't afford  it), I go back to work to EVERYONE and their mother telling me I got written up for the above reasons. Umm... okay. No notes had been left for me, since my phone was disconnected, nothing. So, I am in a panic. I figure I will be talked to at the end of my shift, cuz by then it was Friday morning. Nope. No notes left still all weekend. I worked last night, nothing this morning. But, instead of being a CHILD about it, like other people are being, I went straight to the source and asked the girl who originally went to the administrator about it. She said that she never turned me in at all, that she told them I go above and beyond and do an excellent job and that nothing bad she said was about me. Which is good, cuz I had an entire speech prepared for if I was mentioned. She said not to worry, I wasn't mentioned (in a negative way) at all. PHEW! I worried for like a week!

I take pride in caring for my residents. I am known as "The Whisperer" with certain residents, being the only one who can deal with some of them. One guy has been sent to a behavioral place cuz he's so violent and angry and all that jazz. I have him laughing, talking, doing anything. I can get him washed up, in bed, and sleeping in the time it takes most people to get punched in the face by him. Another one is the same way, he has aphasia (you understand what is said to you, and you know EXACTLY what you want to say... but your brain mixes up the signals and you can't get it out.), and I had him laughing last night, I talked to him a bit and got him settled in bed just fine. That's why I believe it's my duty to work with Alzheimer's Disease and Dementia... I work so well with it. I also enjoy working with it. The only thing is I'm a mom, and I get piddly child support. I can't work full time, do school, and raise my child full time. Especially if she's going to need all these therapies. But if I did... her life, and my future children's lives, will be so much better. But she'd suffer until then. Ugh. I dunno.

Losing it

So much crap getting so much worse. I have to call like fifty people today once I get my new phone. I think I'll start with Dr. Russia, my pediatrician. The Goob is getting so much worse, and fast. The tantrums are about hourly now. She pretty much isn't allowed near Loo cuz she'll physically attack her. She's biting herself and/or others multiple times a day, screaming all the time. I really feel like I can't do this another minute, let alone forever. It's killing Lovah and I because we can't agree on how to handle it, his daughter doesn't know what the hell to think, and poor Goob is going to end up in the nuthouse and/or hospital. But she's fine, nothing is wrong. Totally normal behavior. What do I know? Every kid does this? Every parent is afraid of their child injuring themselves on purpose all the time? Apparently people think I am pretty stupid.

I also need to call my Ob/Gyn about what to do about my IUD. Mine is migrating, and it needs to come out before it ends up completely destroying my insides, or migrating through my uterus. I amsaying "Fuck off" to birth control because I am 100% sure it's been my problem since Goob was born. Ever since my IUD migrated, I have normal periods! The pain is getting worse, but that's always been the trade-off. I either bleed til I need the ER or I am in pain equivalent to childbirth. Pain is easier dealt with, I've discovered. I've dealt with the bleeding a while, and my tolerance to Tylenol has gone down (1500 mg doses instead of 2000 does the trick!), so I figure I'll go this route a while. My liver and kidneys have been benched long enough! Besides, we will be trying for a baby in 8 months, so it'll be just fine!

Then I still have the wedding stuff, goob's school stuff, buying all her winter clothes for outside, etc... anyone who has any help whatsoever with buying their kids anything.... you are so fucking lucky! Lovah helps where he can, but he has his own child to support. I get a small amount of child support and no extra help with school pictures, outdoor clothes for winter, school supplies, nothing. Thankfully I picked up extra shifts so I can afford to get this stuff today, at the cost of almost all my time with Lovah. Meanwhile, DBD has no job because he goes to school a couple hours a day for a career he will NEVER get a job in. I sure can pick 'em. Not that I picked him to create a child with, but at least I learned my lesson there!

Ooo Fancy!

I am blogging from my phone!! So, naturally, I am amazing. We brought the girls to the Pumpkin Patch yesterday, and they had a blast! Then we went to my parents' house tonight and they rode the horses, which they also enjoyed.

I received some AMAZING news yesterday :) in December, Molly (future SIL) will be an official SAHM. And she just may start watching The Goob for me, instead of sending her to the shit-hole day care. I almost cried. This is great news. It would not only save us tons of money, but Goob would be taken care of someone who isn't so stupid. She will get the care and help she needs to help her be the best person she can be! So I am very hopeful :)

Some answers....

I got the paperwork from The Goob's appointment in Marshfield with the behavioral specialist/speech therapist/sensory person. Basically there were some surprises, but nothing that wasn't at least somewhat expected. I knew she was behind in speech. I did not realize she was a year behind in speech. She's behind everywhere, in every category across the board except she has the fine motor skills of a nearly 5-year-old. So far the only thing that may be the issue is ADHD, but they aren't 100% on that, either. I need to bring her back in in about 4 months for them to see her again (especially the sensory lady!!!). This time I am going to write things down and bring it with, because her self-mutilation is getting worse again, especially the biting herself. It is now daily, multiple times a day. I just wanna scream and cry and just hide in a hole because my baby is hurting herself on purpose, because she's mad at me. I'm causing it, I feel. I am being mean and too strict and not loving enough so she feels she needs to hurt herself to deal with it. This whole thing is making me so severely depressed. I cry so much because I feel like such a failure as a mother. Especially if she ends up not having ADHD or something of the sort, and she's just behind in every single thing but one because I'm just a shit mom who doesn't do anything right and is screwing her up and she's never going to be a functioning adult. Through it all, all I can think of is karma. This is what I get for cutting, for putting my own parents through the same exact thing. When I was younger I used to be huge into self-harm as a form of self-punishment when I was frustrated. When I was little, it was hitting things, punching walls, banging my head on the wall to the point of nearly blacking out. Then I got older and it was abusing pain killers, and once a gun was (literally) put to my head and I was told to stop, I decided I needed to start cutting. If my father knew he alone is the only reason I ever mutilated my arm, I am 100% sure he'd kill himself. It would absolutely destroy him. The only reason he put the loaded gun in my face and threatened to kill me is that I'm his baby and I was about to hurt myself, and with no parenting skills to fall back on (father drank all the time, mother hid in her room until all the kids were in school), he responded with the only thing he knew: threatening. The phrase "If you want to die, I will kill us both right here and now" is burned into the forefront of my mind until the day I die. But I never once overdosed again.

All I know is this is absolutely killing my relationship. Lovah does NOT understand what I am going through right now. Between stress from Crazy, money, Goob, and having pain flare-ups.... I mean, I'll be lucky to get married next year at this rate. Which , at the same time makes me incredibly angry that so much emphasis is put on sex, like it's the only thing that matters. Like it's all I'm good for, and the only reason he's with me. I dread it, when we have alone time, cuz it's all that is mentioned. Either wanting it or whining cuz I don't want it. Enough to drive me up a wall. I dunno, I feel like I am slowly losing myself, my mind, every day.

Back to the Goob part.... I just want the next 4 months to fly by. I want answers. I want to scream at the mountain top "I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!!!!" To all the nay-sayers who thought my daughter was just fine. She's not, she needs some help. The only way I am going to get it is to say "I don't give a fuck what any of you say" and go ahead and do it. I'm glad I went with my instincts! I knew she was behind, I didn't realize that my child is, mentally, a 2-2 1/2 year old. She will be 3 1/2 next month. A year or year and a half doesn't sound like much... but when you're talking about only 3 1/2 years total, it's a huge difference. So she will more than likely be pulled from Head Start and put into the Early Childhood program here in town. Which will break her heart to not ride the bus anymore. But, I am doing the best I can for my baby. My mom is now fully disgusted with me that I want to have more kids. Excuse me? This is actually good! I know what to look for in the next 2, if they are having issues! Plus, they'll be boys, and boys are different. Either way, I am having two more.

Is that a light at the end of the tunnel!?

.... Nope, just a "watch for delays" sign. Damnit.

So, we have appliances. Washer, dryer, stove, and fridge. All new, except the fridge (5 years old). Problem: stove his hooked up but sitting in the middle of the kitchen (makes me PARANOID!!!). Washer and dryer are still in the boxes in the garage. I am now forced to bring AAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the laundry (or at least the necessary stuff) to the future in-laws. I'm not complaining in the sense you think I am complaining. I love them, and they are AWESOME and they said that if we were to divorce that they'd take me in the settlement :) I am complaining because I fucking HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE hand-outs. I am almost 26 goddamn years old and I should really have my shit one fuck of a lot more put together than I do. I appreciate it, and I know they're being nice, and I'm a major hypocrite cuz I am Helpy McHelperton when I am able to be, but it's just.... embarrassing, I guess is the word for it. Not only that but I'd have to buy soap JUST for doing laundry once over there. Izzy and I HAVE to use All Free & Clear. They have a front-loader fancy thingy that you need to use certain soaps for. I feel like just sucking it up, but I am already broken out in hives from stress, I don't need them from soap, too. But I really don't want to go to Walmart and buy damn laundry soap just to do laundry once. Though, it looks like it could be quite some time before ours are set up. Lovah has WAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYY (lovin' the all-caps-too-many-letters thing today!) too many projects on his plate right now, and I know for a fact he bit off a fuck ton more than he can chew and we can't afford any of it. So we are pretty much fucked. I kind of wish the house would just burn down. Because at this point it's not going to be done for a long long time. And I would like to do laundry! I did a load a NIGHT before and it's been a week and we are drowning in laundry and have no clean clothes and I just want to cry.

Stressed to the MAX!

WARNING: CONTAINS LOTS OF BITCHING AND/OR MOANING!!!

So everything has taken a turn for the crappy lately. Lovah's ex-wife (let's call her Crazy) decided to get a wild hair up her ass (more on that in a bit) and decided to take our washer, dryer, fridge, and stove. Granted, yes, they are HERS, she got them in the divorce. I told Lovah that it was a huge mistake to EVER keep them at the house, they should have been put in storage for her stupid ass to deal with. BUT what's done is done, and thank GOD I am getting $1,300 in back child support in the next couple of days or we'd be in some dire straits. My future in-laws bought us a washer and dryer (we just have to pay them for one, about $300), so now we have to find a cheap fridge/stove or we will not be eating. Anything. THEN Crazy decides to take my complaining of needing a fridge and stove on short notice to the ULTIMATE mountain-into-molehill reaction ever and wants to keep Loo from seeing her own father (ummm illegal?) because I am "hostile" and she "isn't safe with me around" Um, what the literal FUCK is she talking about?! I'm "hostile" because I refuse to talk to her face-to-face. Why? Because I like my face arranged how it is, and I enjoy the ability to walk on my own. That and what's there to be said? She said she is going to take me to court for slander (because she is apparently so stupid). Apparently saying we need appliances because the ex wife is taking them is slander? Because that's a lie? Does that mean she's NOT going to take them? THEN, because I wouldn't go talk to her (as though there is ANYTHING I need to say to that thunder-cunt), she said she's going to call the cops on me. I was speechless. She says I am pure evil and that I break up families? I have never, in my life, seen such an over-reaction to anything. Ever. And I was raised by my mother, the QUEEN of over-exaggerating. That woman turned IBS into colon cancer! DRAMA!!!!

So, what made her so angry to take all of the appliances (which she doesn't NEED)? Here's a story: I went with the future in-laws to go visit Lovah's brother, wife, and their new baby in Illinois. Crazy was supposed to feed the dog while we were gone (NOT my idea, I didn't even know the stupid bitch was going to be doing it). While we were gone, she went INTO our house to "wash her hands and feed the fish". Lovah told him that was unacceptable and she's lucky we didn't call the cops for trespassing/breaking and entering. We recently learned she still had keys to the house because "he didn't ask for them back". I am now fully convinced she was dropped on her head DAILY as a child, probably into her teens. Again, this is all my fault. So, out of spite, she said she was going to come take the washer/dryer while we were still gone. Um. No. He told her if they were gone when we came home the cops would be called. UGGGHHH!

In Goob news, she had her appointment in Marshfield. She needs speech therapy for sure, and probably occupational for sensory, though I had an issue with that. The lady saw Goob for like 10 minutes, didn't ask me too many questions. This is my BIGGEST concern, it has been since day one. She is going to end up seriously hurting herself, under-playing it, and who knows what could happen. She could have her appendix burst and hardly be able to tell the symptoms. It takes a fever of over 103 to even START to slow her down. She ran/jumped around with a fractured foot, for crying out loud. In the span of one year, she had 3 black eyes (SEVERE ones, one even split her cheek open and there is a scar there), a fractured foot, and a contusion on her head. The only reason it's gotten better is because I have learned that she needs more of an eye kept on her than a normal child. That means that even at the age of 3, I cannot shower without someone else home (unless she's sleeping hard), and I cannot even go to the bathroom without the door open if we're the only ones home. I don't like her playing up in her room by herself, because all I can think of is her killing herself in her room, or falling down the stairs and breaking her neck because she likes to hop down the stairs with 50 things in her hands. Her lack of a sense of danger is quite alarming to me. The doctor wants to see her again in 3-4 months to evaluate her again, and he wants me to ask her school and daycare and doctor some questions about what she's like with them. My mom says she's a "perfect angel" for them, but I really doubt it. If she is, it's because my mom totally coddles her. Plus there's no other kids there, so she's in heaven. When it's just her, she does act really well. She listens, she doesn't act out, she's much less violent.  Ugh.

On a happy note, tomorrow is her school pictures for head start! I am, admittedly, going a bit nuts. But they are her FIRST school pictures ever, and I am extremely excited. Now that I have addresses I can mail them to family all over, so they won't be wasted.

On another happy note: I AM GETTING MONEY!!! In the next couple of days I will be receiving over $1,300 in back child support. Plus I get paid Thursday, I am going to be rich. For about ten minutes. I have to get insurance on my car, get new tabs for my car, pay the other half of my dress, pay for a fridge and stove, pay daycare, pay my mom.... and hopefully have enough left to keep gas in my car for another 2 weeks. OH and pay the in-laws the $360 we owe them. Some things may not happen. But we will do our best. Like Lovah said, it's like a mini tax-return! Plus it's tax-free, so that's nice :)

Okay I think I'm done complaining. I just wish I could have used that money for something fun for The Goob. Welcome to adulthood, I guess!

Oh Bugger....

Bah! Stress! So The Goob has been sick on and off for about two weeks. I really have to stop praising her AWESOME immune system. Two trips to the ER/urgent care in the past two weeks, and I am damn sick of the place. I have also been nursing a sinus infection (it's a chronic condition for me) for about a week now. I actually almost prefer to work with a sinus infection. Then I don't have to smell all the poo at work. But my ears also plug up so I can't hear call lights and alarms. But, I can't complain... at least I have a job. For now, anyway. They are all either dying or moving to another facility. It's scary! We're at a skeleton crew at night (four aides) as it is, but they LOVE cutting costs when it comes to us and the nurses, so who knows. We're already short-staffed so I don't think it'll really affect us as of yet, but I will be keeping my eyes peeled. I really need to go back to school....

The Goob is doing great in Head Start! Biting every now and then, but doing well. Her appointment for behavioral problems is on Friday, and it can't come soon enough! She will be screened for autism, aspergers, ADHD, sensory problems, and general behavioral problems. I keep hemming and hawing about whether or not I think there's a problem. I lean more towards yes she does, but then I get told by my parents (who, despite their 32+ years of experience REALLY don't know too much about being good parents) about how stupid I am and that she is perfectly normal and it's all my fault because I wasn't married first so I'm putting her through a tragic childhood and that is the only reason she ever has any problems. Because apparently I'm the first single mother on the planet. Like I did this on purpose. Assholes. Catholics don't have SHIT on my parents when it comes to guilt trips. Though, my dad was raised Catholic, and he makes everything my fault. Nothing is ever his. And my mom is a woman, and guilt-tripping is in our DNA. Hell, Goob already tells me "You make me sad, Mama" when she gets in trouble! I can't escape it!

So I go to court (FINALLY) on Thursday morning. It is the state of Wisconsin and myself vs. the DBD (dead beat dad... Goob's dad) for child support. I am sick of nay-sayers telling me how nothing is gonna happen *cough* Darth Vader *cough*. You don't know my situation or the hell I've been going through the last 3 years to squeeze out the tiniest of payments out of him. He's screwed no matter what, so I'm not worried. All this court date is going to do is set up another court date and blah blah blah, idiotic rhetoric. He's in trouble regardless of how things go, he is in contempt. I'm GIDDY with excitement! The only thing I hate is this: I get paid from him from his job for the summer months when he's out of school (June, July, August). BUT for the other nine months of the year, I am paid through his GI Bill that is paying for his college. Which is from the government. Which is from the taxpayers. He doesn't EARN his child support, he refuses to get a job while going to school full time like EVERY OTHER FUCKING PERSON. Well, the ones who aren't rich anyway. So not only does he get a free ride to school, he gets a free ride with child support. He also gets student loans just to live off of on top of the GI Bill. Ridiculous? Um, yeah. Also pathetic. He can't even work to support his child. Do I get a break if I go back to school full-time? No! I will still have to work full-time and take care of The Goob! Lovah doesn't even want me to go back to school ever cuz he says it won't be possible. It would be incredibly hard. I'd love to, but I don't really think I'd get any support or help for it. I don't think it's fair. I didn't make this child alone. He gets to party, have fun, go to school, not work, do whatever the fuck he wants. I'd like to just be able to go to school, but we are poor and I will have to work full-time until the day I drop over dead. I will never get maternity leave (paid, anyway), I will never be a SAHM, nothing. I had an ovary removed last year, I had to take care of The Goob as a 2-year-old in a second story apartment. I did laundry, cleaned, played with her, and got nowhere near enough rest. I get 1 week off for abdominal surgery, to go back to work and NOT be physically ready to go back to work. Lovah and I are talking about when we start trying for a child after we get married. We are going to have to save a TON of money in order for me to get a month off, because I will only have 1 maybe 2 weeks of paid vacation/sick time, and there will be bills to pay and things to buy for longer than that. And if the birth is anything like Goob's... I will need at LEAST a month off. Ach, I get stressed even thinking about it.

On the plus side, I think I found a workout for the wedding!! I need to lose a good 15-20 pounds (hopefully even more!) and only 8-9 months to lose it! Too bad I love eating and hate throwing up, bah.

A non-angry post (mostly)

So, to update my life... I have become engaged to my lovah. This means my family of 2 will be a family of 4 starting June 16, 2012. I couldn't be more thrilled! A lot of the planning is done already, which is a huge weight off my shoulders! DBD will be paying me the $1,200 he owes in back child support soon (HOPEFULLY!!), so I can pay off some things for the wedding, which will also help! Then we just pick at things until taxes, then pay off everything but catering, which isn't due until a month after the wedding. The only thing that makes me kinda sad is that there will be no best man/maid of honor. And it sucks explaining to people that the reason is because I don't have anyone close enough to me to be it. My sister will be a bridesmaid.... but she's lucky to be that. She's lucky I talk to her... hell, she's lucky I didn't get her ass arrested and thrown in prison 6 years ago like I should have. BUT, I am the eternal doormat and I will let anyone do anything to me and put a smile on my face, then blame myself. But, frankly, she is the most evil sadistic person on Earth, and underneath all the gooey family stuff... I hate her. Not dislike or anything, I HATE her. She ruined my life. She did things to me that make me hate her more than DBD who left me 4 months pregnant and won't pay child support until he's faced with jail, I hate her more than the abusive ex, I hate her more than my rapist for fuck's sake. Why is she in my wedding? Why do I talk to her? Why did I not ever lock her in the garage with the car running? Well, we didn't have a garage. And I am a firm believer in karma and that family is important. Hell, I love my dad to death.... even though he beat the shit out of me growing up, all the way up until he put that loaded .44 in my face and threatened to kill the both of us because I went for the bottle of Tylenol, intent on taking the whole damn thing. But I am Daddy's Girl and I love him and he made me into the tough cookie I am today!

In other news, I have wonderful news with my endo! My IUD migrated to the lower part of my uterus, making my birth control completely non-existent. NOT PREGGO, just to get that out of the way. But, since this happened, I have a regular non-heavy period, my face (mostly) cleared up, I lost 5 pounds, and the pain is almost gone. I get cramps again, but they are manageable. I think for the past 3+ years, birth control has been my problem. I was put back on Depo like 2 weeks after Izzy was born. Other than when I was pregnant, I have been on birth control non-stop for the past 7-8 years. I am beginning to think being preggo "fixed" my endo, or at least did something for it, and the birth control has been fucking it up. So, I am going to get my IUD completely removed and go without and just be careful until after the wedding. Get an ovulation tester thingy and use it for the opposite of what it's intended for haha. I've been having my period for over 13 years, no clue when I ovulate, no clue when I'm "supposed" to get my period, no clue how long my cycle is, nothing. It's quite frustrating!

So The Goob started Head Start a couple weeks ago! I can't believe it, I thought she was a baby still! Week 2 and she already got a note sent home for biting, though :( I am keeping the note and bringing it to her behavioral appointment on the 30th. The teacher said she bit 2 students in one day. Neither time was out of anger or anything, it was a case of someone being in Goob's space. She doesn't handle others in her space at all, and she will let you know in no uncertain terms, when you've crossed into her space. I am so excited that her appointment is coming up so soon finally! After speaking with several mothers with children who have autism, the general consensus is that she definitely needs to be screened because she acts almost exactly like their children. This is a nice, refreshing reaction to some that I have been getting. Now, I am not saying she has it by any means. All I want is an answer. I would like to know why she hurts herself, why she kicks a hole in the wall and doesn't even feel it, why she needs to be under everything, why she throws violent tempers, why she's so violent with everyone, things like that. I don't think I'm doing a terrible job raising her, I think I'm a fairly decent parent. She is 3 now, and I still have to plan things around her, I can't bring her anywhere. I can't even bring her to Walmart anymore because she'll throw a fit and attack my lovah's daughter. I feel like a total failure of a mother because I can't control her.

One thing that The Goob is thriving in is gymnastics. She... is... AMAZING! She actually listens pretty well (the same as the other 3 kids), but she is a complete natural. She gets it the first time (mostly), and barely needs help from her teacher. We are actually headed there in a half an hour! It's really going to give her a great outlet for her sensory stuff, in my opinion. She's doing 100% better than she was in dance class, and she loves going. I will keep her in gymnastics as long as I possibly can, as long as she is having fun and enjoys it!

Terrible Mom Continued...

Ooo I had to add the #1 most awful thing about me as a parent: My child will NOT believe in Santa, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, etc. I made a pact with her while she was in my uterus, to never lie to her. I plan to stick by that. I was raised in a house where religion wasn't really present. Funny, cuz now my parents are Witnesses/In a cult. So Christmas was just Christmas. It wasn't a religious thing, it wasn't a Santa thing. It was just a day where the 4 of us (5 of us a few times when Tiffany was around) would open presents from each other, drink hot chocolate, not argue, and just be together. It was magical and it was amazing and it is one of the few fond memories I have of all of us. Naturally, that is how Christmas is with me to this day. Being Atheist (OMG BURN ME AT THE STAKE!), I obviously don't celebrate any holiday as a religious thing. Being honest, I don't do the Santa thing either. We survived! We didn't go around telling other kids he wasn't real. We didn't lose our imaginations (I, for one, am QUITE imaginitive and creative). We just weren't ever lied to (about Santa haha, about marijuana we were lied to extensively). We still got money from my parents for losing a tooth. We still got Easter baskets and hid eggs. The only thing missing was the lie, and I am thankful for that and that is how I will raise all of my future children. I have been told I am awful for this, and a bad mom. I had an ex-fiance (this was before my daughter was born) actually CRY because I told him my kids won't believe in Santa. But he cried a lot. I'm pretty sure there was a vagina hiding behind his penis. He did, at least, have boobs. If nothing else. But yeah, that is my greatest transgression as a parent. I have destroyed my child's future. No Santa, her life is ruined!

In relation to the no lying, I caught some flack (from my parents mostly) for telling her about death. My parents had to put one of their dogs down this summer. I told my daughter that the dog "Ti Ti", was dead. The only explaining I did, really, was that the dog was old and sick. Ti Ti wasn't around anymore, she was all gone, she was dead. She pretty much grasped it. My parents told me I should tell her that Ti Ti is sleeping. Fuck you. Sleeping means you eventually wake up (GRANTED that is what they believe in their religion...  but not in my lack of religion. You die and then you die. The end. Who knows what happens after cuz I haven't died before), so therefore I am not telling he she's sleeping. Sorry if it's morbid, but tough titty. They gotta learn it some day!

I guess I am a terrible mom.... always have been...

So there has been a vast expansion of people I know who are either having a baby or have a new(er) baby than mine (3 is still baby-stage, right?) and they think they have all the answers (DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT MEAN EVERYONE!). I am bombarded left and right with the things I have done wrong and/or are doing wrong with my child. According to all of this information, I should probably be forcibly sterilized. Let me start at the beginning:

Pregnancy I found out I was pregnant about 4 weeks along. I consider this QUITE impressive, considering I hadn't had my period in MONTHS, due to the Depo-Provera shot. This right here shows how in tune I am with my body! So, I was about 21 1/2. The 4 weeks until I found out I was knocked up? Yeah, smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish. OH, and got into a side-impact car collision (I was in the car that got hit... and the side that got hit) and then proceeded to get like a bajillion x-rays. Yep. "Is there any chance you could be pregnant?" "Not a chance! Gimme that radiation baby!". Let me tell you I was freaked out that she was gonna come out with an arm out of her forehead or something. While pregnant, I was actually pretty good. I think I took 2 Tylenol the entire pregnancy.

Birth I was induced. Why? Pull up a chair, let me tell you a story. When I was 6 weeks and 2 days (how do I know? STFU and read) from my due date, DBD and I were arguing before I had to go work 3rd shift at Walmart (soooo white trash). He was saying how he was going to get Goob taken away from me because I was crazy and blah blah blah he was probably drunk and getting a blowie at the time. I, on the other hand, being hugely pregnant, single, poor, and just really not doing so great in life.... got very stressed about this. I ended up starting labor that night. Like a trooper (who didn't get sick pay), I made it to the end of my shift and then ran outta there like a bat outta Hell, and went to the ER. I was given some meds to stop my labor and sent home on bed rest for the rest of my pregnancy. Although my labor was halted, it was still going on. Therefore, my doctor decided to induce me because I was having contractions regularly, they'd been every 4 minutes for days with no progression or water breakage. He didn't want me to go overdue because of my own health, and it was 5 days before my due date and I was fucking SICK of having contractions all the fucking time. Apparently women who get induced go against nature and blah blah whine hippie feminist organic vegan crap I don't care about. The kid came out and could hold her head up and would look you right in the damn eye. She was 6 lb 9 oz. She was perfectly healthy in every damn way. I also had an epidural. Why? Because I spend roughly 1/3 of my entire life in agonizing pain and if I can choose to NOT have pain, I fucking WILL. Not only that, but since I was induced, my labor was fucking awful. 12 hours of hard labor, the last 2 to 2 1/2 were pushing. 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I was sooooo damn close to a c-section! She was also face-up (they are not supposed to be), so that didn't help. (GROSS ALERT!!!) I also tore front-to-back. TWICE. I looked down and there was a fucking BLOODY GRAPEFRUIT where my hoo-ha was supposed to be! I bled out so badly they almost gave me a transfusion. It wasn't needed, but I did have to stay 2 nights, which is odd for a vaginal birth. I would have been a c-section had it not been for the epidural, because my ass would have passed the fuck out from being split open like a Thanksgiving turkey. So a big FUCK YOU to anyone who says I'm a terrible mom for the induction and the epidural.

Breastfeeding Very controversial. There are moms willing to slit the throats of other moms who don't breastfeed. Those moms are usually of the hippie feminist vegan organic PeTA-sponsoring crowd. You know what? I at least tried it. I gave it a go for 2 weeks. 2 weeks of absolute pain, agony, torture, and just plain awkwardness. My daughter, bless her heart, had a strong sucking reflex. Examples: when the nurse went to test her reflex... my daughter sucked the glove off her finger. When she'd fall asleep with her Nuk in her mouth,. I could pick up her head like 6 inches off the crib mattress holding onto just the Nuk. And you expect my nipples to be OKAY with this?! I was in pain before leaving the hospital. She was a natural. She latched immediately, she fed like a champ. I was never taught or coached, we were an all-star team! I was bleeding and blistered on both my nips in a week. After another week of trying pumping (I HATE PUMPS I AM NOT A COW!!!), ointments, creams, you name it... I couldn't do it anymore. I felt like I was creating a vampire baby. Not only that... but I was raised in a house where you didn't talk about nudity, you didn't see nudity, nothing. We weren't allowed 2 piece swim suits til we were teenagers! No shorts unless there wasn't any snow on the ground, and then they had to be past fingertips. We could watch Freddy movies all we wanted but GOD FORBID there's a sex scene! I was creeped out by it. I didn't like it, I was not bonding with my child. It felt awkward and gross, and I hated it. Sorry! You know what? I now have a perfectly healthy 3-year-old who is in the 50th percentile for weight-for-height (aka PERFECT), she's bigger than some 4-year-olds I know, she's very bright, very happy, never sick, she's an all-around amazing person and me and her have a bond that is beyond description. I am her #1, we are a team. WITHOUT breast-feeding. Maybe if I breast fed we'd have a creepy mother/daughter bond that just crossed the line into like serial killer stuff. Maybe I saved her from that life! Either way, fuck you if you think I'm a horrible mom for not breast feeding. My child is perfect in every way. EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WAY. I'm pretty sure she'd have just drank my complete lack of talent and be the most boring person on Earth had she drank from my teat.

Baby Stage I never baby-proofed. Not a single thing. Why not? I believe a child should learn that they can't touch certain things. NO I didn't leave chemicals and weapons where she could reach them, I'm not completely stupid. But things were left out that I didn't want her touching. If she went to get it I would tell her to leave it alone and tell her why. I put gates up where they were needed, of course. And I never got a walker cuz it's the worst thing ever invented. She had a pacifier. OMG I'M AWFUL SHE'S GOING TO GROW TEETH OUT OF THE SIDE OF HER FACE!!!! Fuck off and shut up. You know how much more SLEEP I got from that damn thing?! A LOT. That kid slept through the night by 3 months old. 12 fucking HOURS. And still took like 2 or 3 good naps a day! Moms drown their kids in the tub and feed them rat poison from going insane from lack of sleep. I saved her life with that Nuk. I also took it away when she was 1. How? Um, I literally took it away and cut it up and threw it away in the outside garbage. No "Binky Fairy", no "other babies need it" or any other stupid lies like that (I do not lie to my child. Not even over little things), I took it and said "you're too old" She's fucking ONE what the fuck is she going to understand? If your kid is so old you have to think of an elaborate lie as to why she doesn't need a pacifier.... that kid is too fucking old for a pacifier. Same with bottles. Izzy was bottle broke at 10 months. I was sick of washing them, so fuck it. We got her sippies with straws in them. She had massive GERD til she was almost 2, so it was nice for her to be able to sit up while drinking her formula (which was given until she was 1). Another naughty no-no: she slept in bed with me until she was 3 months old. Not in a co-sleeper, but in a little makeshift bed I made for her next to me. I was paranoid. I had never baby sat, I have no younger siblings, I had ZERO baby experience and I was single. I didn't have a single fucking clue. So, she stayed in bed with me until she started getting more mobile. Then one night I put her in her crib to sleep. And that was that. OMG I ruined her for life! Fuck you.

Discipline This one is very touchy for me. Remember, everyone, this is MY OPINION. This is MY parenting style. I'm not saying this is what EVERYONE should do! CAPITAL LETTERS!!!!! Anyway, I digress... I spank. Yep, I admit it! What's in your head? Visions of me beating my child for sneezing? Throwing her around? Bruises? Her screaming "NO MOMMY STOP!!!"?! You're fucking ignorant. This is how it goes: I say no/stop/knock it off/etc. Naughtiness continues. Naughty chair or bedroom. That's the usual. Spanking/mouth smacking is reserved for things like: "Shut up mommy" "______ or I'll stab you" (yes, that has been said by a child in our house) or anything like that. Or, if we have told them to not play behind the damn coffee table a BAJILLION fucking times and they knocked over my (expensive) Scentsy warmer, breaking it, A-FUCKING-GAIN (We really can't have nice things), and we spank because a swat on the butt is better than getting hot wax dumped on them, broken ceramic lacerating their feet, hot light bulb on their flesh, etc. It is not a generic punishment meant for ALL transgressions. And it is rarely more than 2 swats, on a clothed butt. I don't even think it's ever even resulted in them saying "ow". It's an eye-opener, it grabs their attention. I've also heard these days we aren't supposed to yell or say "no". What the hippie-fuck is this stupid shit about?! I'm all for not verbally abusing your child. But to not tell them no? To be all fucking stoner hippie with them? If my kid jumps on the couch (which she does. A lot. Even after falling off), I'm not going to calmly watch her and say "Honey, we don't jump on the couch" Okay, so I usually tell her to stop nicely.... once. Then it's gonna be a bit louder and more like "Jump one more time and it's naughty chair" Then my ass will drag her to that naughty chair. Why? Because SOMEONE FUCKING HAS TO!!! Kids need to be told no, that they can't do things. They fucking test our boundaries every goddamn day, and you need to set them. Set them early and set them firmly. My parents yelled and spanked (and other things, but that's different). You know what our thoughts were? "Fuck, that sucked. I won't do that again!" and we didn't. We were really good kids! If my mom would have said "Honey, we don't take the truck for a joyride without permission. We are concerned about your safety when we don't know where you are." I woulda been like "Oh, that's it? FUCK I'll do it again! All I am gonna get is talked to!" Instead, I walked in the door and got my head smacked so hard I forgot the 1st grade (MAY be an exaggeration). I don't beat my child, I don't abuse my child.

FUCK there is so much more but this is really long. Maybe I'll have to do another one another day...

F U sleep!

If I were to have a phrase sum up my existence, it would be "I can't sleep when I want to, and I want to sleep when I can't". Ugh. So, yes, I am awake right now. Wide-awake, to be exact. I tried sleeping for an hour and a half, and I just can't do it. Sleep is my drug. My dream in life is to be able to fall asleep in less than half an hour, and actually STAY asleep for a full 8, then wake up refreshed! But, nooooo. That'd be too easy! Instead, I toss and turn for at least an hour, then sleep in 2-hour increments, and then wake up feeling like my brain got mauled by a rabid badger. Then I hear "You sleep more than any person I know!" from Lovah. Um... no. I don't. I promise. That 10 hours I was IN bed? I probably slept for maybe 5 of them, and not all at once! That is why I hold my sleep very dear to me. If I am woken up unnecessarily, I may just rip out your heart and shove it down your throat. I also sleep in "Mom Mode". I will sleep through a severe storm, sirens going off, a wall being sledge-hammered down, or with a tv/radio blaring. BUT if a door slams (which ALWAYS HAPPENS!!!!), a kid cries/wines, something (ANYTHING) is dropped/broken, a bathroom is entered, or a board creaks on the stairs.... I am instantly and irreversibly awake. And, chances are, crabbier than a rabid, starving, cornered wolverine. I will kill you, and I will be acquitted by reason of insanity, and I will be EVER so fucking happy to live out my days in a padded/sound-proof cell where I can have some peace and fucking quiet for once while I sleep. Feel free to visit!

On a completely random and totally unrelated note, I love my job! Or, well, most of my job anyway. There is one part of my job that also makes me feel like the aforementioned padded room just might be the place for me. These are the types of things I hear from the day shift (I work NOC shift, that is overnights):

"I wish you were on days!"
"I wish every CNA worked as hard as you do!"
"We can tell when you don't work, and you are sorely missed!"
"You know how to get shit done well, and the right way"

Yep, I am boasting! And I deserve to! For once, I am not being treated like a worthless piece of shit, I don't have stupid fucking childish rumors going around about me, I'm not being sabotaged or bitched at every 2 seconds. I feel like I am part of a team for once! Except for the one bitch I hate and can't stand. She is a terrible, lazy, sloppy, worthless aid. Twice in a week now, I have spotted something alarming on a resident and she has said, and I quote "That happens all the time, it's no big deal. There's nothing you can do about it anyway." I hope she never takes care of any of my loved ones! One lady ended up being brought to the doctor and possibly has pneumonia and the other lady HAD BLUE FUCKING FINGERS!!! Yeah, no big deal. I'll remember that when your fat ass drops from an impending asthma attack. Bitch. Residents complain about her all the time. She needs to be fired.

That's enough complaining for today!

Sorry Mr. Ed!

I don't mean to beat a dead horse, but I came apon this on the NAA site, and  thought it was VERY interesting. I am going to break it down for all.

The major characteristics include slowness in understanding messages; problems of the sensory system (touch, taste, and smell), hearing and language disorders, inappropriate social responses (screaming, unprovoked tantrums, laughing, crying, and resisting touch, cuddling, and eye contact); sleep disturbances, and in severe forms the child may injure themselves, constantly move various body parts, show an apparent insensitivity to pain and/or constantly isolate themselves from their parents and all others.

Problems of the sensory system:  We already know Goob has this. She is constantly hurting herself on purpose, doing dangerous things, and has a SERIOUS texture issue with food. 

Hearing and Language Disorders: Not so sure if she has any disorder (HENCE her going to the speech therapist) but she has had problems with speech since day one. It has been impossible to test her hearing, as she doesn't understand the test for it. Or her eye test. Not sure why they even did it. She just said "Blue" when they asked her to name the pictures. Which, I suppose could tie in with the first thing they mentioned on the list there.

Inappropriate Social Responses: OMFG YES! If Lovah sits within a foot of me on the couch, she reacts as though you just killed a kitten in front of her. The doctor said the severe tantrums are supposed to be going away, they get worse and worse. No one can do ANYTHING for her except me 90% of the time. If I sit on the wrong spot on the couch, she throws a fit. If I give her the wrong cup, she throws a fit. If I give her the wrong thing to eat/drink, she throws a fit. If she wears the wrong thing, she throws a fit. If you look at her while she's dancing/singing, she throws a fit. I'm not talking about a little fit. I'm talking about she's hoarse afterwards, I worry about her safety, and my eardrums nearly bleed. She's over 3 years old now. This shit needs to stop. Resisting touch? FUCK yes! It's only lately that she'll cuddle me. BUT it is on HER terms. And only certain types of cuddling and not for long. If I nap with her, I cannot touch her. She'll hug and kiss me (to the point of making my nose bleed/splitting my lip -sensory issue-) but that's it. It's brief.

Sleep Disturbances: YES YES YES!!! I can't believe that it's been a while, but for the most part, she wakes up at night. She had night terrors as a baby. Nightmares with occasional night terrors as a toddler. The nightmares/wakeful periods at night have slowed lately, but it usually comes in spurts. She'll be good for a while then it'll get bad again. No telling when or why. It's not from moving here either. When Goob and I moved in, she slept GREAT for about a month, then didn't for about a month, now she's on a good streak again. She's also been getting super tired out since it's summer, so that helps.

Injure themselves: Which is the #1 main reason I ever brought her to the doctor or ever became concerned in the first place. When she was younger, she'd rip out her hair. Not in a fit, not in anger or frustration. I'd go to get her out of the car and she'd have a handful of hair on her lap. I caught her doing it once, it was scary. She just sat there, grabbing handfuls of hair out of her head. Giggling, even. Then she'd bang her head. Not normal head-banging (FOR THE MILLIONTH FUCKING TIME I KNOW THAT IT CAN BE NORMAL). She wasn't angry or upset at all. She'd bang... no, SLAM, her head against the wall or floor or crib or whatever hard surface was near and, again, giggle. She'd have bruises/bumps. Both of those behaviors went away and were replaced by biting herself (she's broken her own skin a few times), hitting herself (HARD), pinching herself, picking her skin to bleeding (without a scab their first, though she's a notorious scab-picker which I deem to be normal), and then finally her running across the room and running into furniture on purpose. To the point of bruises on her abdomen. She has one right now by her hips. Just literally running across a room at top speed to ON PURPOSELY run into a coffee table/chair/couch/anything and fall down, laughing. This goes hand-in hand with my final worry:

Insensitivity to Pain: This was my closely followed #2 worry at the start of it all. She feels pain. She falls, she cries. She knows pain. I don't think that she feels it the same way the rest of us do. Sharp pain (pinching fingers and toes, scraped skin, cuts, etc.) she feels pretty normally, as far as I can see. Blunt pain, not so much. She's gotten bumps/bruises and I have no clue where ANY of them are from because she doesn't let anyone know when she runs into things. This is where my worry of Child Protective Services comes in. As I said, she has numerous bruises right now, including one across her lower abdomen by her hip bone. I wasn't told anything by her daycare, and I never noticed her running into anything. I don't know where it's from. If someone sees it and decides to call CPS.... how is that going to look for me? "I dunno officer, it's been there awhile". Yep, makes me sound like a real great mom. On the other hand "My child has developmental problems and she has an insensitivity to pain, we are working with OT to help her better express her need for physical stimulation without hurting herself" sounds a LOT better! And it's true! I want her to be able to get the sensory stimulation she needs without her risking her saftey for it.

So, I feel I have made my case. I don't need to explain myself any further, I don't think. I will not argue my case to anyone else. If you don't support me then I obviously need to re-evaluate who I allow into my life. On the other hand, if you want to be supportive, I would GREATLY appreciate it! Because no one in my family is! And, so far, none of my friends seem to be either. NOTE: "seem to be" isn't an accusation of not caring. It is me stating that I have received one, 1, uno, un, ONE supportive message from a girl who really isn't all that close to me, except of late. I am not saying my daughter IS autistic, again. I'm not saying I want her to be. I just want everyone to know that this isn't some shot in the dark thing. It's not like I'm going in blind. If I didn't think there was even a slight chance of her having autism, I would have told the doctor so. But we talked at length and I trust her judgement. From the points I have made, you can see that I have every reason for at least SOME concern, and maybe it enlightened some people to some things they didn't know about my daughter. I'm pretty private about it because I am, to be honest, embarassed of her. I don't bring her to anyone's house because she is just wild (as you can see from above). It has cost my some close friendships, being so withdrawn. I refuse to hire a babysitter for fear of someone telling me I'm an awful parent because my child is an uncontrollable brat (term courtesy of my own GRANDMOTHER). I don't bring her to playdates because she doesn't play well with other children. I look forward to Wednesday because she's ALWAYS good on Wednesday because she's the only child. We can't separate the girls because Izzy wants to play with Lexi, she loves her, she's her best friend. She doesn't know HOW. And before I hear this one more fucking time:

MY DAUGHTER IS FUCKING "SOCIALIZED"!!!!!!! I hate that term, it refers to dogs. She's gone to daycare since she was 14 months old at a minimum of 3 days a week. She has 3 older cousins at her dads she plays with every other weekend, we used to do playdates at least once a week from the time she was A WEEK FUCKING OLD!!! For an only child, I feel that is QUITE socialized, more so than a lot of other only children, so if I hear I need to have her socialize with children one more fucking time I'm going to snap. Seriously, if I were to have her around other kids any fucking more I'D HAVE TO FUCKING TIE HER TO ANOTHER KID!!! She's in daycare 5:30 am to 3:30 pm Monday through Friday, then she has Lexi to play with until 7:30 pm Mon, Tue, and Thur every week and then every other weekend Fri-Sun, plus the aforementioned weekends she's with her dad Fri-Sun with her 3 other cousins. So, other than sleep.... that is every Wednesday for about 4.5 hours. Yeah, she's not around other kids enough AT FUCKING ALL. If anything I need to start doing things with JUST her! FUCK! Okay I am done I am done I promise.

Some people need their faces punched

So Darth Vader pissed me off to the point that I don't think I can deal with her anymore. She always makes comments about my daughter like "I got empty nest syndrome in my 40's and wanted another baby. Then I see you and I am so glad I didn't!" Um, fuck you bitch. I don't complain about my daughter, fuck... I don't even TALK about my daughter to her! She overheard me telling a girl at work about how my daughter is going to be screened for autism (that's a whole other story with a lot more pissed off emotions there) and a sensory disorder. So she says "My friend has a son with autism, and he's like your daughter. I just can't stand him, he's a wild brat that doesn't listen." I wanted to bounce her face off the table until it was the consistency of applesauce. When she first overheard her first reaction was "What's wrong with your daughter?" Fucking NOTHING. Not a thing is "wrong" with my child, or any child, for that matter.

Last night took the cake. So a resident was setting his alarm off every 5 minutes for at LEAST 45 minutes. I answered it every time while she sat on her ass and did her fucking crosswords and coughed without covering her mouth and chewing on her pen like there was the nectar of the fucking GODS on the cap. I was at the end of my rope, and when it went off again, I said "Can you please get that, I am at the end of my rope with that guy." This is what we are supposed to do at work if we are overwhelmed or "burned out", ask someone else to help you out before you do/say something you regret. Anyway, she goes and deals with that, and on her way to sitting her ass back down she says "Jeeze, how do you deal with your kids?" Fuck. You. How? I have someone WHO FUCKING HELPS ME you dumb bitch! I tell her they aren't setting alarms off every 5 minutes and she replies "Oh no? They just fight all the time" WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK YOU FUCKING BITCH. Never once have I ever uttered to a single person that they fight all the time. I say they bicker every now and then, but get over it quickly and generally are great together. They call each other "best friend" for fuck's sake. Snippily, biting my tongue, I tell her so (with 100% less vulgarity). That shut her up.

To go into more detail about the screening thing. At the advice of a friend, I brought my daughter to the doctor over a year ago because of suspected sensory problems. The doctor agreed and sent a referral into Marshfield for my daughter to be seen by a specialist. I was never able to bring her due to my work schedule and the fact that not only am I poor, but I am a single mom. Not a 50% custody, kid is gone every other (or every) weekend and holiday single mom. I have 100% custody and placement of my child, I am SOLELY responsible for her. I don't have anyone to help me out with this. So, lately she is struggling again. Biting herself repeatedly (not just when she's frustrated or angry) and has broken skin. While at the doctor's office, she also suggested she be screened for autism due to behaviors she witnessed and after asking me certain questions. This is met with mixed (mainly negative) results. I did not go into the doctor and ask to have this done, this was a professional opinion. It runs in my family, I have a cousin with 2 sons who both have a form of autism. They are 2 very friendly outgoing boys. Never afraid to approach anyone and start up a conversation. The school I went to thought I was autistic as a child but my parents refused to get me tested for that. Other things I learned I had that my parents refused to treat during my school career: ADHD, Depression, near-sightedness (yep... they refused to buy me glasses until I got my license and legally can't drive without them). Hell, they almost refused to get me my prescription pain medications the day after I got my gall bladder removed and I'd gone over 10 hours since my last dose! Anyway, back on track. Nobody knows my child better than me. Other parents should understand that. And those without kids.... I hope you NEVER find that your child could maybe have something different about your child and have everyone treat you like you're a bad parent and don't know your own FUCKING child. Between her social problems (yes, she does have some. I would know. I've only been raising her ALONE for over 3 years.), the constant movements she does, her complete LACK of self-preservation, and many other things point towards this possibility. I don't hope she has it, I don't hope she doesn't have it. She will deal with whatever and we will move on with life one day at a time. Is it so fucking WRONG to want to know what is going on with your child? To make sure that she has every opportunity in the world to be the absolute best person she can be? To be able to deal with her issues the best way for both her and myself? Obviously no matter what she will eventually lead a life as an adult on her own, have a family, all that. But I want her to grow into the best person she can be. My parents ignored all the signs from me. They knew about me OD'ing on pain killers. They knew I was cutting myself. They knew I'd burn myself, bruise myself, do anything possible to physically harm myself. I was so depressed I wouldn't leave my room. I asked my dad to kill me numerous times (minus the one time he actually tried). What did they do? "Stop feeling sorry for yourself". If you don't understand anything, understand this: I WILL NOT BE MY FUCKING PARENTS. If I were to end up like that, I would instantly give her up for adoption because a child shouldn't be raised like that. My daughter is showing signs of things just not being alright with her. She has difficulty in some areas, she learns VERY differently. I'd like to be able to click with her to have her learn as much as possible, be as smart as possible, be the amazing person I know she is. I'm sorry if that makes me a bad parent, a bad person, or whatever else you think. People need to maybe start a conversation and not just assume things.


Well that's my rant. I needed that! Let me just say that not one bit of this is aimed at any specific person (minus where names are actually mentioned). I have the right to be angry, I have the right to vent, I'm NOT directing this at anyone. ANYONE. This is the only place I am able to vent my frustrations and get it out there. Allow me that.

Crazy Dreams!

So I have had some odd dreams lately. The other morning I had a dream that I was with my friends. They all went into a club/bar to have fun but told me I had to stay in the car. Then I noticed that my friend's husband got a nice, new car. It was awesome. But it was another Dodge Stratus. Which made me wake up giggling.

This morning I had a dream I was pregnant. Probably due to pretty much every person I know being pregnant, and the fact that I ate more than twice yesterday so I felt incredibly fat when I went to bed. It was weird cuz I could SEE my belly getting bigger. Very odd. And disturbing. I wish I had ice chips at home, too, cuz that's what I eat at work all night to stop me from going down and eating like 50 PB&J sandwiches haha. Plus it keeps me hydrated cuz I sweat my ass off all night rolling around old people. They are NOT easy! Most weigh around 200 pounds, it's dead weight that at the MOST will "help" by pushing against the wall when you try to roll them towards it.

On a separate note, I feel like I am at the end of my rope with the children. If this is what twins are about.... I am glad that my chances of having them are almost non-existant! Of course, the chances of me having ANY children gets slimmer by the day.... but no more will be better than two more at once!! Unless boys are easier, I dunno. Maybe they don't whine as much. They for sure won't fight over dolls. I've also decided no future children will have ANY blankies or stuffed animals that they carry around. In the bed only or I will light it on fire in front of them. I will make them throw the match! I'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen to all of their toys. Just like it's going to happen with their toys. I am sooo tempted to gather them all up, put them in a HUGE pile, throw on some gasoline, and make them watch as all of their toys melt/burn into one big plastic pile of sadness. Then they won't have ANY toys to fight over! All they will have to play with is each other and their imaginations! Which I'm sure Goob would prefer, as she prefers to just play by herself anyway. I can't wait for the weekend, I finally have a night OFF for the weekend and the girls will be gone! Plus it's the... wait for it.... BARRON COUNTY FAIR!!!!! I am going to eat everything. I am going to put the vendor's kids through Ivy League college! I am going to have to dabble in bulemia for a weekend! Okay not so much the last one, I hate throwing up. But I probably shouldn't eat until then. Which I am really trying to do. Not only can we not afford the food (the girls are going to eat us into the poorhouse haha), I can't afford to keep getting fatter and fatter. I'd work out more if I didn't have such a physically exhausting job!

So I haven't received anything in the mail from the doctor yet. They usually send appointment reminders. If they got rid of my OB/GYN appointment then I am going to have to wait until damn near CHRISTMAS to get in and then I might just take my uterus out myself. I got my period 3 times in June. THREE!!! And the last one was super bad. I actually almost passed out at Lovah's family function one weekend. I've been waking up feeling weird, getting light-headed a lot. I know I know I should eat more if I'm borderline hemmoraging. BUT I don't bleed fat, so my vitamins and tons of water will have to do. I'd gladly handle passing out every day if it meant I didn't look like a beached whale. What I CAN'T handle is the pain, which is getting worse. I'm not losing another ovary. I can't lose both, as I would like another child (or two. Boys only). Plus this is my first year with no surgery or pregnancy/birth since 2004 so I'd like to keep it that way! Eight holes in my abdomen is more than enough! Lucas jokes he's going to play connect-the-dots sometime when I'm sleeping. I hope not! I figure it'd look like a star, if you were to connect them all to my mutilated belly button.

Ahhhh problems problems. On the plus side: I only have one more Friday night then my weekends are finally mine!!! Well, every other anyway. Which is more than I've been getting! So hooray!

Monday of 100 Facts

1. Last beverage .::. Raspberry lemonade
2. Last phone call .::. My mom called earlier to discuss the ways to help prevent me from losing childcare assistance due to a bill of $1490 at my last daycare because the state fucked up AGAIN
3. Last instant message .::. It has been so many days I have no idea
4. Last song you listened to .::. "I've Got a Dream" from Tangled
5. Last time you cried .::. Umm... quite some time ago. On one of my mental breakdown days
6. Last text message .::. Lovah texted me today with bad news. Nothing but bad news today!

SIX HAVE YOU EVER:
7. Dated someone twice .::. Sadly, I have been THAT stupid
8. Been cheated on .::. By just about every guy I have ever dated
9. Kissed someone & regretted it .::. I don't think so. It's just a kiss.
10. Lost someone special .::. Never really had anyone special. So no. I had "friends" off an on throughout life, but no one who ever really cared.
11. Been depressed .::. Every day of my life :)

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. green
13. yellow
14. pink

THIS MONTH HAVE YOU:
15. Made a new friend .::. I've made new acquaintances that I get along with.
16. Fallen out of love .::. Nope, still in :)
17. Laughed until you cried .::. Oh yes, watching Tosh.0
18. Met someone who changed your life .::. Yep, on May 5, 2008, at 7:22 pm. My life didn't even start until that moment. It wasn't worth anything and had no purpose until The Goob came out and met her mommy :)
19. Found out who your true friends were .::. No, found out who they WEREN'T. Which is everyone whom I thought was.
20. Found out someone was talking about you .::. Constantly, everyone loves to hate me, sure, I'm an easy target :P


21. Have you kissed anyone on your friend's list .::. Mhmm a few
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life .::. All except maybe 5
23. How many kids do you want to have .::. I'd like to have 1 or 2 more before the hysterectomy
24. Do you have any pets .::. Sookie the Basset Hound :)
25. Do you want to change your name .::. I always have hahaha. I hate my name!
26. What did you get for your last birthday .::. Nothing. From anyone. As usual :P
27. What time did you wake up today .::. 2:30 pm, Lovah seems to think it's acceptable to wake me up at this time. And then wonders why I am crabby.
28. What were you doing at midnight last night .::. Surfing the internet, playing Sims 3
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for .::. California next March!
30. Last time you saw your father .::. Friday I believe, when he dropped off the Lumina.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life .::. Nothing! I am who I am because of it all. Though more money would be nice. I don't need to be rich but not living hand to mouth would be nice.
32. What are you listening to right now .::. "Tangled"
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom .::. My neighbor Tom Temple :)
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now .::. Children not listening.
35. Most visited webpage .::. facebook or failbook
36. What’s your real name .::. Maria Jean Gruber
37. Nicknames .::. Goober, Junebug, Junior, Iea, Mama Bear
38. Status .::. in a loving relationship :)
39. Zodiac sign .::. Aquarius
40. Male or female .::. female
41. Elementary .::. Woodland Elementary School
42. Middle School .::. Riverview Middle School
43. Highschool .::.Barron Area High School
44. University .::. I went to WITC - Rice Lake to get my CNA license
45. Hair color .::. Dark Brown
46. Long or short .::. short
47. Are you a health freak .::. I would make Jillian Michaels have a stroke with how unhealthy I am.
48. Height .::. 5'6"
49. Do you have a crush on someone .::. Nope!
50: What do you like about yourself .::. I'm nice to everyone. It is also my fatal flaw, though.
51. What don’t you like about yourself .::. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEverything

A very morbid post about death....

So I worked last night (only a 4-hour shift, I am sick of working every damn weekend!), and about 2 hours into it we had a death on the other hallway.

Let's take a break and explain my work: The nursing  home is divided into 2 halls for NOC shift, with 2 CNAs and a nurse at each hall. I work on East 95% of the time with Darth Vader, an older lady who is beginning to really get on my nerves... more on that another time. East is the more "stable" hallway, residents don't move halls often, they are there long-term. A lot of dementia here, which I prefer. West has the Medicare wing, which is all rehab patients (ones who are working towards going home) and there is a hospice room (people who are going to die soon, within 6 months). This isn't definite, there are medicare patients on East, long-term on West, and all that, but that is the general rule of thumb.

Moving forward: so we had a guy pass away last night, which we all knew was going to happen, as he took himself off of dialysis about a week ago, so he actually lasted longer than we all thought he would (Dialysis is what you do when your kidneys don't work and you need to go to the hospital 3 times a week to get your blood filtered). It was Darth Vader and I on East and K and T on West, BR came in at midnight to be float, which means she helps out both sides (it's a GREAT night when we have a float! Doesn't happen often). We all knew this guy was going to die, and very soon. The family was called, and I let them in while I was on break downstairs. They came inside and the wife says "This is our son, ____", and I say "Nice to meet you!" and that felt awkward. Like... is it really? It WAS nice, but... his dad died like an hour later. They were pretty good, then he died less than 5 minutes after they left. K had gone home at this point, a medical emergency with one of her moms (she has a bio mom and an adoptive mom I believe), so we were "down" to 4. Well, T comes over to East and asks me "_____ died, do you wanna clean him up or answer call lights?" I answered with a very calm "I'll clean him up with BR". He was flabbergasted! My reasoning was that I don't know the residents on West, how they transfer, who's on fluid restrictions, anything. I've cleaned up a dead body before, it's not a big deal, so I figured it was the lesser of two evils. Plus, BR was helping me. We got him all cleaned up, dressed in a fresh gown, eyes closed, mouth closed, got him as restful looking as possible, and the wife and son came back just as we left the room. Again, I have cleaned up bodies, I have helped coroners transfer bodies to gurnies, I have been around shortly before and after countless deaths of residents. But I have never seen a family member's reaction. It was absolutely heart-breaking. I am very glad that I went home about an hour later.

I have never really been around death. I have all 4 of my grandparents, even though I have never met 2 of them. I have never had a friend or family member die in my life. Exception: my mom's grandparents, Nan and Poppa. Poppa died around 2000 I believe, Nan died in March 2008, almost exactly 2 months before my daughter was born. Isabel (my daughter) would have been her 4th great-great-grandchild. She lived alone, drove herself everywhere, totally independent at 90 years old. Died in her sleep from CHF (congestive heart failure). I really hope I can inherit that. I already have most of the heart problems she had so.... *fingers crossed*. I have been to a couple visitations, but never a funeral. I would have gone to nan's if I weren't 7 months pregnant and already was off of work due to preterm labor. THAT was due to Isabel's piece of shit worthless father putting me under so much undue stress, threatening to take her from me and all that. Asshole.

I'd seen plenty of dead ANIMALS, on the other hand. Once, when my sister and I were little, we had 2 female cats that were ALWAYS pregnant, one always had 5 the other always had 6, within a week of each other. We kept them in the kennel that my mom used to use for her dobermans in the tack room in the horses' stall. My sister apparently felt bad that the poor little kittens had to be locked up, so she left the door unlocked. The next morning, we went out to go check on the kittens (as always), and there were kitten parts.... everywhere. A tom cat came in the night and killed... nay, SLAUGHTERED every male kitten in the batch. My mom was especially pissed because there was a male calico, very extremely rare. We were upset because it was one of the most brutal things I had ever seen, still is to this day. Around the same time, there was a runt kitten we were nurturing back to health, and it died on my sisters lap on her birthday while she was feeding it... perhaps that is the reason she is so cruel to animals these days. Interesting. Or cruel to you know, everybody. Something interesting to ponder I guess....

Let me introduce myself:

Hello, my name is Maria. I live with my boyfriend, his 4-year-old daughter, and my 3-year-old daughter. I am a CNA (Certified Nurses Assistant) at a nursing home, I work the NOC shift (overnights). I'm a cynic, I'm sarcastic, I'm opinionated, but I am the most caring person you'll ever meet (as long as you don't fuck it up). Oh, I curse like a sailor as well. I'm very independent, mainly because I have no one I can depend on in the world EXCEPT myself. I consider myself friendless, I have a VERY sparse amount of family that I don't want to shoot in the face. Lovah (the aforementioned boyfriend) and his daughter are pretty much the only other people I care for, besides my daughter.

There will be a lot of bitching on here, a lot of f-bombs, and a lot of sick humor that if you don't get it well then I guess nobody is holding a gun to your head making you read it (is there? If there is, you should probably dial your local emergency number), I will not tolerate any attacks on here of any sort. I have no one I can vent to or talk to about my problems that I am having, and I need to put them somewhere. So, there you have it. That is ME in a nutshell!